Ups jokes
If you scanned my thigh, it would show up as a package of Oreos on the screen.
I usually hang up Halloween decorations,
but this year I'm gonna be the decoration.
What's the different when a little boy drops in Japan then and now?
When a little boy falls today he gets back up. But then everyone fell and never came back up.
A cop pulls two Arabian men over, walks up to their window, and says, "We are looking for two child molesters!"
Now after a short pause, the two men look at each other, then back at the officer and say, "We'll do it!"
Motherhood is like a fairy tale, but in reverse. You start out in a beautiful ball gown and end up in stained rags cleaning up after little people.
My husband asked me to get 6 cans of Sprite at the store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7-Up.
I saw two really tall guys. I walked up and said, "I didn't know we still have the Twin Towers!"
My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and went right.
Why can't you make jokes about catholic priests?
Because they blow up in your face.
Not a joke but there's nowhere else to post this, (mainly this post is for the broke people without a gym). Did you know that the body can't tell if you're using weights? So lifting weights are optional.
Some beginner workouts without weights for like really weak people:
1. Sit-ups 10 reps 2. Push-ups 20 per reps 3. Squats 10 per reps 4. Crunches 10 per reps
"What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up!"
Motherhood is a fairytale in reverse. You start in a beautiful gown and end up cleaning everyone's messes.
What do pigs use to clean up? Hogwash.
What do Americans and stars have in common?
They both love shooting up.
How do you hire a horse? Easy. Just put up a ladder.
Yo mama so fat, when she went up the elevator, the World Trade Center collapsed.
What do a gay man and a tumbleweed have in common?
They blow and blow until they wind up on a fence in Wyoming.
A man finds out his wife is cheating on him with his best friend, so he hires a hitman to shoot his wife in the head, and his friend in the balls. The hitman charges $100 per bullet. The man agrees.
Later, they set up, and the hitman looks through the scope and says, โI can save you $100!โ
Yo momma is so ugly even the trash man wouldn't pick her up.
Your mama's so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead to make up her mind.