Two jokes
"Hey, man, do you have any Ben and Jerry's?"
"Yeah, I have two of them, fresh and preserved in the freezer."
"I meant the ice cream, bro..."
Why are Americans so bad at Clash Royale? Because they already lost two towers.
What Lord of the Rings book is banned from the United States?
The Two Towers.
What did the Mexican firefighter name his two sons?
Jose and Hose B.
How many letters are in the English Alphabet?
Twenty-two. ET went home, P ran down his leg, and he took ME with him.
Memes
Two sentence horror stories go.
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
The picture gets hung with one nail, not two.
If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone who speaks many languages is multilingual, then what do you call someone who speaks one language?
An American.
Two emos are dating, and the most romantic thing they have ever done is slit each other's wrists.
Two magicians were in a competition. The first one did magic, and the second started counting down, "3, 2," but before he said the last number, he 1.
Q: How can you spell cold with two letters? A: IC (icy).
Q: What state is surrounded by the most water? A: Hawaii (this is really just a trick riddle).
Q: David's father had three sons: Snap, Crackle, and what's the third son's name? A: David.
So last week I gave my blind friend a cheese grater. The next two weeks he told me that was the most violent book he has ever read.
Why were there two boys on the bay?
Because they were gay!
If you wanna get fat, what's the quickest way to do it?
Eat two jars of mayo each day, and in about a month, your scale will have your phone number!
I remember asking my mum: "What's a couple?"
She replied, "Two or three."
Which probably explains her collapsed marriage.
Well on the positive side: the Mexicans will probably want to pay for, and build, that wall at this point! Maybe the Canadians as well; two free walls!
Today was no fun. A rhino escaped from the zoo and ate two parents, and I lost my job as zookeeper.
My girlfriend is so fat, she looked into the mirror and said, "Woah, there are two of me!"
Girl: Come over.
Orphan: I can’t.
Girl: My parents aren’t home ;)
Orphan: Just two things I don’t have.
Two skeletons meet at the graveyard at noon.
"What the heck are you doing here?"
"I couldn't sleep."