Two jokes

A rich guy and a poor guy have their wedding anniversary on the same day. They meet each other at the shopping complex.

The poor guy asks the rich guy, "What'd you get for your wife today?"

The rich guy replies, "I got her a diamond ring and a Mercedes."

The poor guy asks, "Why did you get two gifts for her?"

The rich guy says, "If she doesn't like the diamond ring, then she can return it in her Mercedes."

The rich guy asks the poor guy, "What'd you get for your wife?"

The poor guy says, "I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo."

The rich guy asks, "Why did you get two gifts for her?"

The poor guy says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, then she can go f*** herself."

What do you call two black lads in gold?

A Twix.

What can you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing that you haven't told her twice already.

Why are Americans so bad at Clash of Clans?

They already lost two towers.

"Hey, man, do you have any Ben and Jerry's?"

"Yeah, I have two of them, fresh and preserved in the freezer."

"I meant the ice cream, bro..."

Why are Americans so bad at Clash Royale? Because they already lost two towers.

What Lord of the Rings book is banned from the United States?

The Two Towers.

A priest walks outside and finds two young boys sitting on a big ice cube. The priest asks what they are doing. The boys answer that the priest always likes a couple of cold ones before he goes on.

What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

The picture gets hung with one nail, not two.

Two emos are dating, and the most romantic thing they have ever done is slit each other's wrists.

If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone who speaks many languages is multilingual, then what do you call someone who speaks one language?

An American.

Two magicians were in a competition. The first one did magic, and the second started counting down, "3, 2," but before he said the last number, he 1.

How many letters are in the English Alphabet?

Twenty-two. ET went home, P ran down his leg, and he took ME with him.

If you wanna get fat, what's the quickest way to do it?

Eat two jars of mayo each day, and in about a month, your scale will have your phone number!

So last week I gave my blind friend a cheese grater. The next two weeks he told me that was the most violent book he has ever read.

Why were there two boys on the bay?

Because they were gay!

I remember asking my mum: "What's a couple?"

She replied, "Two or three."

Which probably explains her collapsed marriage.

Well on the positive side: the Mexicans will probably want to pay for, and build, that wall at this point! Maybe the Canadians as well; two free walls!

Today was no fun. A rhino escaped from the zoo and ate two parents, and I lost my job as zookeeper.

My girlfriend is so fat, she looked into the mirror and said, "Woah, there are two of me!"