Worst Jokes Ever
I joined ISIS to help my self-esteem issues.
Everyone kept telling me, "You’re the bomb!"
Three nuns die in a car crash, but they all make it to heaven. They're standing at the pearly gates, and Saint Peter says to them, "Don't worry, you're going to get in, but first I need you to answer these questions."
He asks the first nun, "What was the name of the first woman?" The nun says, "Eve." Saint Peter says, "Go on in."
Then he asks the second nun, "Where did Adam and Eve live?" The second one says, "The Garden of Eden." Saint Peter says, "You can go through."
Finally, he gets to the third nun and says, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" The nun stands there a little confused and says, "Boy, that's a hard one." Saint Peter, shocked, goes, "That's correct! Go on in."
When the priest said, "Be gone from this boy, demon!" the demon replied, "And you get out of the boy!"
What do you call an under-the-weather seven?
A sick seven.
What do you say to a feminist with no arms and no legs?
"Nice tits, bitch."
What time is it when it turns 13 o'clock?
Time to get a new watch.
Why don’t you see gay orphans at a daycare?
They have no one to call "daddy."
I was walking down the street and I punched a white guy, then I was arrested for assault. The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.
My battery lasted longer than your sad, depressing life.
Why do nuns not wear bras?
God supports everything.
When you realize you forgot to mop your room, you hear footsteps.
School teacher: "Hey kid, why don't you just go home to your family?"
Orphan: "My family never came back for me."
School teacher: "Your daddy must've really needed that milk."
Why does a milking stool have 3 legs?
Because the cow has the udder one.
A couple were trying new things in the bedroom to spice up their marriage. The husband would blindfold the wife, put on a condom and she would guess the flavor. They did this one time a night.
The first night, she put the blindfold on and he put the condom on his dick and she tasted it, she immediately knew it was strawberry. The second night, the same thing happened except it was banana. The third night, she put the blindfold on and tasted his dick and said, "Eww it tastes like cheese and onions." The husband replied, "Hang on I haven't put the condom on yet."
How do you restrain a straight person? Give them a straight jacket.
How do you restrain a trans person? Make the trans vest tight.
Your kid is so annoying, he makes his Happy Meal cry.
Why is America so bad at chess?
They lost both of their towers.
What do Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?
Both fly around Uranus and wipe out Klingons!
Why don’t cows have any money?
Because farmers milk them dry.
If olive oil is made of olives, then baby oil is made of...