Worst Jokes Ever

Why can't a steam locomotive sit down?

Because it has a tender behind.

If a blonde and a brunette jump off a building, who would hit the ground first?

The brunette, because the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions!

What part of a vegetable can you not eat?

The wheelchair.

I saw my wife at the dam yesterday, which sucks because I wanted her to flow further down.

Why were the Twin Towers mad?

Because they bought a pepperoni pizza, but they got plane.

What did the planes say when they were smashing or passing the Twin Towers?

Smash.

(Get it?) 9/11.

Why are orphans so good at tennis?

They never get love.

I used to be in a special needs class, and the teacher sent a student (if you want to call them that) out to the hall for being late.

I asked her, "Why did you send James out to the hall?"

She said, "He was a little tardy."

I replied to her, "I thought they all were."

I like my women how I like my scotch: 11 years old and mixed with Coke.

The trip from your eyebrow to your hairline costs $6000.

How To Kill A Blonde 101:

First Step: Get a pool.

Second Step: Put a scratch-and-sniff at the bottom.

I saw names carved into a tree and thought it was romantic. Until I realized how many people bring knives on dates.

You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

One time my dad was an orphan, so I questioned where he learned to parent.

How do you throw a surprise party at the hospital?

Throw a strobe light in the epileptic ward.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: to be shot, to be hung, or to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap, he was dead.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally, the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"

The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom!"

What’s the difference between a man and a margarita?

A margarita hits the spot every time.

I think fat people took the Hunger Games a little too seriously.

I asked a black man on the street if a white person paints their face black, it’s considered racist, but if a black person paints their face white, will the cops treat them better?

My wife said I didn’t listen to a single thing she says.

What a weird way to start a conversation!