Worst Jokes Ever

We all know that Lincoln and Kennedy are the most open-minded presidents in the world.

I either want to hang, stab, or shoot myself. I'm dying to choose.

I told my friend that if he ever wants 50% off something at a store, just to take me with him and scan my wrist.

My life is a joke.

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.

There was a kid crying. I asked him where his parents were. He cried more. Orphanages are really fun to work at.

I walked in on my dad fucking my little brother. I don't know what was worse: the fact that he was fucking my brother, or the fact that the abortion clinic let my parents take the fetus home....

A pedophile was holding a bag of chocolates and then approached a little girl at the park.

"Hey little girl! If you give me a teeny-tiny kissy-kiss on the tip of my wee-wee, I'll give you a piece of my chocolate!"

The little girl replies, "If I suck your whole cock, can I have the whole bag?"

I made a 3D game about a depressed, self-harming goth. It's mostly unskippable cutscenes.

Woman: "I want coffee, black."

Cop: *takes out gun* "WHERE?!"

Death once had a near Chuck experience.

I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other.

Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke a little leaf.

Jack got high and dropped his fly, and Jill said "Where’s The beef?"

I once fought with a man in a wheelchair.

He couldn't stand a chance.

When Santa asks you what you want for Christmas, then says "ho ho ho," say, "Yes, please."

How do necrophiles get consent? A ouija board.

I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.

The priest is in jail now.

The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up.

A panda walks into a bar. He asked the bartender for a sandwich and then proceeds to shoot him, then leaves the bar. Later on, after asking witnesses, the police track down the panda and take him to the station. They question him and ask, “Why’d you do it?” The panda replied, “It’s what pandas do, look it up.” So they did, they went on Wikipedia, and there it was: Pandas eat shoots and leaves.

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.