Worst Jokes Ever
What does Madeleine McCann and my old Xbox have in common?
They both died with red rings.
Give a man a match, he'll be warm for a while. But set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
How do you cover 12 holes with one hole?
Take a flute and shove it up your ass.
Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll become a prince.
If you are going to make fun of someone, make fun of orphans. What are they going to do, tell their parents?
Double whammy.
Dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old.
What is a pedophile's favorite part of a hockey game?
Before the first period.
I asked my midget neighbor if he wanted a lift. He told me to "Fuck off!!!" I thought, what a cheeky cunt and zipped my backpack up and walked away.
A man shoots up a school and then fakes his own death. He then later returns to shoot up the same school. He repeats the process a few times until the police catch him. When they ask why he did it, he replied, "I wondered when you would check if I was still breathing."
Did you know that towels are the leading cause of dry skin?
What do you call a redneck on fire?
A fire cracker.
What's simultaneously up and down?
A retard on a plane.
What's Al-Qaeda's favorite sports team?
The New York Jets.
How does a blind person know when a skydive has finished?
The dog lead went slack.
What does the cannibal get after a one night stand?
Breakfast in bed!
Why did Cinderella get kicked out of Disneyland?
Because she sat on Pinocchio's face and said, "Lie, bastard, lie!"
What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a badly dressed man on a unicycle? Attire.
After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park.
Lord: "Has something happened while I was gone?"
Gardener: "Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burying your dog."
Lord: "My dog died?!"
Gardener: "Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down."
Lord: "My mansion?! How?!"
Gardener: "Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains."
Lord: "Why was she so distraught?"
Gardener: "She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped."
Lord: "My daughter! Don't you have any positive news for me?!"
Gardener: "Oh right! Your cancer test results!"
What is the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
My kids are so ungrateful. I got them a new dishwasher and they just won't stop complaining about their mom.
Did you ever receive an anonymous blowjob from another male under the handicapped stall inside the public men's restroom at a rest area and did you have an orgasm and was it the best orgasm that you ever had?