Tool jokes
What type of file do you need to turn a 14 centimeter hole into a 40 centimeter hole?
A pedophile.
Pro tip: How to not hit your thumb with a hammer, make your child hold the nail.
What’s an emo kid's favorite wood working tool? A chop saw!
What vibrates and is 6 inches?
A toothbrush.
I knew a guy who used to sell wrenches. He was all torque.
What is the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
You can't unscrew a pregnant woman.
What’s it called when you give an emo some rope as a present?
Murder.
How many people does it take to change a lightbulb underwater? The results are shocking!
What did the knife say to the other knife?
"Knife to meet you."
What kind of file turns a 5mm hole into a 3cm hole?
A pedo-file.
What’s the comparison of an emo and a highlighter?
You can pop their head off.
What is the leader of the school supplies?
The ruler!
A man walking on his roof, carrying an axe. He drops it on someone below him and says, "Sorry, it was an axe-cident!"
What does a woman’s pussy and a chainsaw have in common?
Miss by a few inches and you’re in deep shit.
What's something similar between a clogged pipe and a pregnant woman?
You fix both with a coat hanger.
A friend took me out to his shed and was showing me all his tools, when he pointed to a ladder. "That's my step ladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."
How do you surprise a blind man?
Leave the plunger in the toilet.
If you're cleaning a vacuum, aren't you the vacuum cleaner?
Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pen?
Because it’s pointless.
When I see two lovers' names on a tree, I don’t find it cute or funny. I think, why would they be bringing a knife on a date?