
Tool jokes
Why are most absent dads mechanics?
They like to nut and bolt.
What is the difference between me and a knife?
The knife has a point.
I will always remember my uncle's last words, "What's the shovel for?"
How do you punish Helen Keller?
Leave the plunger in the toilet.
Trust your calculator. It's something to count on.
A little girl and a little boy are taking a bath together when the little girl looks down and asks, "What's that?" The little boy says, "That's my little red race car." 10 minutes later, the boy looks down and asks, "What's that?" The little girl says, "That's my little red race car garage."
So later that night the boy asks the little girl if he can put his little red race car in her little red race car garage. She says yes, and they pull down their pants and the boy tries putting his little red race car in her garage, but it won't fit. Downstairs, the mother hears an ear-piercing scream and runs upstairs, flips on the lights, and sees blood on the floor. The mother asks, "What happened?" The little girl says, "We tried putting his car in my garage and it wouldn't fit, so I cut the back wheels off."
When I see lovers' names carved on a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
How do you surprise a blind man?
Leave the plunger in the toilet.
What's worse than locking your keys in the car in front of an abortion clinic?
Having to go back inside and ask to borrow a hanger.
What does a plug do when he's horny?
He jacks off!
I was speaking at my grandpa's funeral and I told everybody his last words: "You still holding the ladder?"
What's the difference between a screw and a hooker? You can't unscrew the hooker.
Why did the guy bring a rope to the party?
Because he wanted to hang out... permanently. 💀😈
What did the pencil say to the sharpener? Please grind me!
What did the rapper say to his BROKEN PENCIL?
"You broke the beat!"
How do you fit 15 babies into a shoe box?
A blender.
How do you get them out of the shoe box? A straw.
What's something similar between a clogged pipe and a pregnant woman?
You fix both with a coat hanger.
What did the guy exclaim after inventing the shovel?
It is ground breaking!
I remember my grandfather's last words:
"Are you holding the ladder?"
I have a match!
My ass, your face.
