What does a woman’s pussy and a chainsaw have in common?
Miss by a few inches and you’re in deep shit.
What's something similar between a clogged pipe and a pregnant woman?
You fix both with a coat hanger.
Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart.
I made sure it didn't outsmart me.
What is small, red, and sitting in the corner?
A baby playing with a scalpel.
How do you fit a hundred babies into a small bucket?
With a blender.
What do you call a duck that can fix anything? Duck tape.
A friend took me out to his shed and was showing me all his tools, when he pointed to a ladder. "That's my step ladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."
Are you a builder, because you give me an erection.
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."
What is Jesus' favorite gun?
A nail gun.
So Fred accidentally cut off John's ear with his spade.
John and Fred were digging a ditch when Fred made a careless swipe with his spade and cut off John's ear.
"Help me find it in all this mud," said John. "If we find it, they can sew it back on."
After a couple of minutes, Fred triumphantly shouted, "Here it is," handing the ear to John.
"That's not it," said John, throwing the ear back into the muddy ditch. "Mine had a pencil behind it!"
How do you fit 15 babies into a shoe box?
A blender.
How do you get them out of the shoe box? A straw.
How do you get 50 hungry kids into a box? You put a can of beans in there.
How do you get 50 hungry kids out of a box? You run past with a can opener.
What is white, then red, and is very fast?
My chainsaw blade.
How do you fix a broken gorilla?
With a monkey wrench.
What was the most useful tool in the 17th century?
Slaves.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking.
What nails do carpenters hate to hit?
Thumb nails.
A kid and his dad went to the park. The kid accidentally steps on a cockroach.
They go home immediately and dad gets the scissors. Now the kid has some balls to play with.
What's the difference between an orphan's life and a knife?
A knife has a point.
