Tool jokes
I knew a guy who used to sell wrenches. He was all torque.
How many people does it take to change a lightbulb underwater? The results are shocking!
What did the knife say to the other knife?
"Knife to meet you."
What is the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
You can't unscrew a pregnant woman.
Pro tip: How to not hit your thumb with a hammer, make your child hold the nail.
What’s it called when you give an emo some rope as a present?
Murder.
What’s an emo kid's favorite wood working tool? A chop saw!
What vibrates and is 6 inches?
A toothbrush.
What kind of file turns a 5mm hole into a 3cm hole?
A pedo-file.
What is the leader of the school supplies?
The ruler!
A man walking on his roof, carrying an axe. He drops it on someone below him and says, "Sorry, it was an axe-cident!"
What’s the comparison of an emo and a highlighter?
You can pop their head off.
What's the difference between a hoe and a prostitute?
One is a tool. The other is your mom.
What's something similar between a clogged pipe and a pregnant woman?
You fix both with a coat hanger.
What does a woman’s pussy and a chainsaw have in common?
Miss by a few inches and you’re in deep shit.
“Which tool,” Andrea Bocelli asks Chris Doemges, “fits best in the mailbox?”
Doemges: “Probably the flathead screwdriver!”
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."
How do you fit 53 babies into a box?
First get a blender...
Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart.
I made sure it didn't outsmart me.
What is small, red, and sitting in the corner?
A baby playing with a scalpel.