Tool jokes
How do you fix a broken gorilla?
With a monkey wrench.
What do a pimp and a farmer have in common?
They both need a hoe to stay in business.
We have invented the spade! This is groundbreaking!
What does a knife have but not my life...
A point.
What vibrates and is 6 inches?
A toothbrush.
How do you get 100 babies in the back of a pick up truck? Blender.
How do you get them back out? Straw.
What type of file do you need to turn a 14 centimeter hole into a 40 centimeter hole?
A pedophile.
Have you heard of the invention of the shovel? It's groundbreaking!
Do you have a shovel? Because I'm digging that ass.
Today my idiot brother screamed, "Ahhhhh, I'm dead!" But it wasn't really, so I decided to make it a reality until my sister came...
AND HELPED ME! - for once, but then two minutes later my mom showed up. We killed him right in front of her, and she screamed! "Donuts and pizza for you and more if you go to Mrs. Roberts' house and say hi and bye to Daddy!!!!!" And she hands us both a sharp tool, and I say, "What about Tommy??!!! Aren't you MAD!!!!!!!" Then she replied, "Who's THAT!!??? Coz he ain't mine. His name is Tommy, Tommy Roberts."
So then me and my sister visit Mrs. Roberts, and she said, "Oh, this isn't anything important. Go home!" So then my sister and I say hi! and do a countdown. After that my Nike white jumper had turned red! IT WAS A MUCH BETTER COLOUR, MUM SEEMED TO APROVE AS WELL! 😊😊😊 But then the police question us where daddy was, so then Mom said....................... oh he's moved on! So then the police officer was like, "Ahem, ma'm where!" SO THEN I BELLOWED.......................... UP - UR -A##. And we got let off the hook, then we moved oh and we k!lled the cop 2 and oh did i meantion we HAD a maid, and a landlord and a cat but they were all 2 annoying so we got rid of them and now our new backyard is very smellyyy and i dont think there is enoff space to put muummy anymore so now i dont think sissy will fit either🧐 i will ask my neibour nessy she'll obviously say YES or ill........................................
ok like for part two☺☺☺
What’s the comparison of an emo and a highlighter?
You can pop their head off.
What did Santa use as a candy cane?
Wait, wait, I said it wrong.
Okay.
What did Santa use to do his garden...never mind.
Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can Hoe Hoe Hoe!
Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pen?
Because it’s pointless.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them, with fuck.
What is the difference between a feminist and a knife?
A knife at least has a point.
My family is like treasure. I need a map and shovel to find them.
What's the difference between a truck full of babies and a truck full of bowling balls?
You can only unload one of them with a pitch fork.
A noose, a knife, a gun, and a razor blade look at a child who committed suicide after being bullied.
Everyone looked at the noose. The noose would say, "What? It wasn't my fault!"
So Fred accidentally cut off John's ear with his spade.
John and Fred were digging a ditch when Fred made a careless swipe with his spade and cut off John's ear.
"Help me find it in all this mud," said John. "If we find it, they can sew it back on."
After a couple of minutes, Fred triumphantly shouted, "Here it is," handing the ear to John.
"That's not it," said John, throwing the ear back into the muddy ditch. "Mine had a pencil behind it!"