Today jokes
If someone calls you, reply with this: “Hi, this is Dave’s orphanage and pizzeria, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce! How may I assist you today?”
Kelly Clarkson and Ian Watkins of the Lostprophets both walk into a bar. The bartender asked, "Hitting on some 2-year-olds today?" It may have been an innocuous question, if it weren't for the fact that the bartender is Chris Hansen.
Today my EX got trampled by a bunch of horses, and sadly I lost my job as a horse trainer.
Brother: I bought my brother a trampoline today, the ungrateful fuck just sat in his wheelchair and cried.
You wanna know how to get rid of potential scam callers?
Next time you get a call from them, just answer the phone and say, "Pizza Hut abortion clinic, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce, how may I help you?"
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap.
He was high on my list of priorities.
Today I was asked to go out by 17 women. Well, I was in the women's bathroom. 💀
Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.
Therapist: So what brought you here today?
Wife: He's too literal.
Therapist: And you, sir?
Husband: My truck.
Today, my mom gave me a lecture on how to stay safe during school shootings. When my brother walked past, my mom asked me a question: "What do you think of going through kids' heads during a school shooting?" That's when my brother came back downstairs and said to me and my mom, "Bullets." We don't talk about this anymore.
I thought today was going to be a good day when I woke up this morning. But then I got to the store and they said they were out of rope.
Today I learned that on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
Quiet kid: "I'm home!"
Parents: "What did you learn at school today?"
Quiet kid: "I've learned that I've had enough!"
I was thinking about you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.
A depressed kid was stuck on a tree, and a man saw the kid.
Man: "Hang in there! I'm gonna get some help!"
Two minutes later, the kid literally did what the guy said.
RIP Daniel Kyre from Cyndago (July 6, 1994-September 18, 2015)
Daniel committed suicide five years ago today......
My boyfriend came over today and stole my milk. How dairy!
I bought a gun from Walmart today. I guess they knew what I was going to do with it, because when I pulled the gun on the cashier, I realized the firing mechanism was in reverse.
I groomed 2 minors today.
You know what I saw today?
Everything I looked at.
I won the lottery for a million dollars today, so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
I now have $999,999.75.