Today Jokes

If someone calls you, reply with this “Hi this is Dave’s orphanage and pizzeria, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce! How may I assist you today?

Today my EX got trampled by a bunch of horse and sadly I lost my job as a horse trainer.

Brother: I bought my brother a trampoline today, the ungrateful fuck just sat in his wheelchair and cried

Kelly Clarkson and Ian Watkins of the Lostprophets both walk into a bar. The bartender asked, "Hitting on some 2-year-olds today?" It may have been an innocuous question, if it weren't for the fact that the bartender is Chris Hansen.

You wanna know how to get rid of potential scam callers?

Next time you get a call from them just answer the phone and say "Pizza Hut abortion clinic where yesterday's loss is today's sauce, how may I help you?"

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap. -- He was high on my list of priorities.

Today i was asked to go out by 17 Woman. Well i was in the Woman bathroom💀

Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.

Today my mom gave me a lecture on how to stay safe during school shootings and when my brother walked past my mom asked me a question "what do you think of going through kids heads during a school shooting " That's when my brother came back downstairs and said to me and my mom "bullets" we don't talk about this anymore

I thought today was going to be a good day when I woke up this morning. But then I got to the store and they said they were out of rope.

Today I learned that on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey

Therapist: so what brought you here today? wife: he's too literal Therapist: and you sir? husband: my truck

I was thinking about you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.

Quiet kid: "I'm home!" Parents: "What did you learn at school today?" Quiet kid: "I've learned that I've had enough!"

My boyfriend came over today and stole my milk. How dairy.

I bought a gun from Walmart today. I guess they knew what I was going to do with it, because when I pulled the gun on the cashier, I realized the firing mechanism was in reverse.