Today Jokes

Today was a bad day, their was a man throwing butter and cheese at me, how dairy

Hi everyone today I am taking requets for anything u want me to say

Don’t feel bad about this day because there’s a saying yesterday is history tomorrow is a mystery but toady is a gift that is why it I called the present.

Me: Joe left today Orphan: who Joe Me: Joe mama

You look so pretty. Not at all gross today.

I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into a fire today. Now they call him Hot Wheels.

Hi oooo was the day I was a kid I was going home to school today after dinner 🍽

Today in math class we had to do an activity where we had to flip coins. The teacher said that we had to flip some coins, remove all of the heads, count them, and put the rest of the coins back in the cup and repeat until we had no coins left. I’m not sure what we were supposed to get out of that activity, but I got 15 dead bodies.

I tried to catch fog today I mist

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.

Today I ate out my girlfriend.......Jefrrey Dahmer style

There will be no school shooter joke today in honor of the 10 people killed in the Colorado grocery store shooting. R.I.P

So my mom looked in the mirror today and we need a new one

Two atoms were walking on a street. One atom said to the other: "I'm feeling really positive today" and the other replied: "I know. I stole your electron". Then the first atom said "How Ionic"

I ran into a fat woman today she said next time don’t hit me. I said I don’t think I have enough gas to go around. Then the ground start to rumble with every step she took