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Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and bumped his head.

The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…

“We’re calling Child Protective Services.”

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.

“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied:

“Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!”

Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor

I love how in horror movies the person calls out, “Hello,” as if the psycho will answer, “Hey, what’s up, I’m in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?”

My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some roadkill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.

What do you call someone with an extra chromosome winning in a pool?

Posiedown.

Why do orphans go to church? Because they can finally call someone father

What to you call ot when a Mexican and a pedofile fight?

Alien vs Preditor

What do you call a singing laptop? – A Dell.

If a person in a wheel chair runs you over, can you call it a Hit and Can´t Run

What do you call a group of emos?

Suicide Squad.

I was out for dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I being 42, had many people shouting at me, scolding me, calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line.

If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome, I guess now it’s clear why everyone calls me handsome.

Im doing a charity bungee jump for the local disabled. Its called spastics on elastics

My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, “OK, you’re ugly too.”

what do you call a sheep on steroids? A woolly Mammoth.

What do you call it when a midget waves at you? A microwave

What do you call a a fight between an illegal immigrant and a pedophile? Alien vs Predator.