I love how in horror movies the person calls out, "Hello," as if the psycho will answer, "Hey, what's up? I'm in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?"
A young boy enters a barber shop, and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied:
"Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"
What do you call you're daughter's boyfriend when he brings her back past 10pm?
An ambulance
My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, "OK, you're ugly too."
Is depression an emotion or a state of mind? I call it a lifestyle.
What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line.
What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.
What do you call it when a midget waves at you?
A microwave.
What do you call a kid who's been kidnapped?
Well, her name's Sally, so I guess... Sally. My main concern is getting her out of the freezer.
Why are priests called father? Because it's too suspicious to call them daddy.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said...
“We’re calling Child Protective Services.”
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
When someone calls you, say this: "Hi, welcome to Dave’s Orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may I help you?"
What do you call an orphan's family reunion? "Me time."
What do you call a group of redneck superheroes?
The Inbredibles.
My girlfriend is 19 and I'm 29. We go out to eat in a restaurant, but the whole time I have to deal with being accused of being a pedo, being called disgusting and disturbed.
It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
What do you call a dog with no legs? -- Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.
A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat. After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?”
He responded with, “The cat is dead.”
She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you have broken the news slowly? You could have said the cat is playing on the roof or on the first day, and the next say it broke its leg, then the next that the poor thing's dead! Anyways, how’s my mom?”
“She’s playing on the roof.”
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? "Tie won shu."
