I love how in horror movies the person calls out, “Hello,” as if the psycho will answer, “Hey, what’s up, I’m in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?”

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.

“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied:

“Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!”

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor

Why do orphans go to church? Because they can finally call someone father

My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, “OK, you’re ugly too.”

Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

Is Depression an emotion or a state of mind? I call it a lifestyle

What do you call a singing laptop? – A Dell.

What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line.

What do you call you’re daughter’s boyfriend when he brings her back past 10pm?

An ambulance

What do you call it when a midget waves at you? A microwave

When someone calls you say this, Hi Welcome to Dave’s Orphanage, You make them We take them how may I help you! :)

What do you call a orphans family reunion?

Me time

What do you call a group of redneck superheroes?

The Inbredibles.

A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat. After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?” He responded with, “The cat is dead.” She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you’ve broken the new slowly? You could have said the cat is playing on the roof or on the first day, and the next say it broke its leg, then the next that the poor things dead! Anyways, how’s my mom?” “She’s playing on the roof.”

What do you call a dog with no legs? – Doesn’t matter what you call him, he’s not coming.

My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some roadkill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and bumped his head.

The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…

“We’re calling Child Protective Services.”

What do you call a fat psychic?

A four chin teller.

Friend #1: “Yo guys, what’s the most unfair game you’ve ever played? For me it’s Fortnite.”

Friend #2: “I’d have to say Monopoly.”

Me: “The most unfair game you say? Life, definitely. Like, no one wins, it’s a one-way game.”

Friend #2: “Uhh…that’s not exactly what he meant…”

Friend #1: calls the suicide hotline