I parked in a disabled space today...
...and a traffic warden shouted to me, “Oi, what's your disability?” I said “Tourettes! Now fuck off!”
Welcome to the roadkill cafe, where yesterday's crash is today's cash.
Welcome to Morgan's Morgue and Pizzeria where yesterday's loss is today's sauce!
I was in a haunted house today. Nothing scared me until I reached the last room, where I saw the scariest Halloween ghost I've ever seen. He took my pens and ghosted. I was told that I saw Pristiano Penaldo and I was lucky enough to see him because he performs once in a blue moon.
So today I heard a friend say she had a stalker. I can confirm I've never seen a stalker following her.
My mom has a policy where if you kill a butterfly, no butter for a week, and if you kill a grub, no grub for a week.
She killed a cockroach today. I have some bad news for her.
Today in 3rd grade English, the teacher asked the kids a question, "What turns on when you take your clothes off?"
Little Elsa blushed and screamed, "You can't ask that!"
The English teacher repeats the question and Elsa screams, "I'll tell my parents on you and get you fired!"
Finally, Little Tim raises his hand, "The shower, ma'am."
The English teacher clapped her hands, "Good job, Tim, and as for you Elsa, you do not have the body for that."
I lost my driver's license today. I hit my ex with my car.
me: calls suicide hotline. hotline lady: suicide hotline, how are you doing today? me: not much, just hanging.
I replaced "Jingle Bells" with "Jiggle Balls"... "Jiggle balls, jiggle balls, jiggle all the way! Oh what fun it is to ride on jiggly balls today!"
A young boy is stood on the top of a cliff crying. A priest approaches and says, "Why are you crying my son?" "My parents just crashed the car off the cliff and died." "It's just not your day today is it?" Said the priest, unbuttoning his flies.
Today I got a lecture from my mother, and congratulated her. Why?
Because she managed not to damage me in a physical fashion.
Today, I had an exam in school. When I was done, I raised my hand and yelled, “Pisstiano Penaldo!”
My teacher smiled and took my paper. She knew I was finished.
It's opposite day today. I'm gonna tell an orphan that their parents are here.
My girlfriend dumped me today. Apparently, I don't stand up for her in fights. I don't care. She used to push me around all the time.
Today is sad. My sister got hit by a car, and I lost my license as a driver.
John: Hi, boss, it is raining heavily today, so I will not be coming.
Boss: You stated in your job application that swimming was your hobby, so see you at 11 AM.
Today is the day of 9/11, and we were in class making jokes, and somebody said, "That's sad." I was like, "Why?" And they said, "Today is the day the towers went down." I said, "Just like I did on your mum last night."
Today I feel diving. Today I feel penalty. Today I feel tap in. Today I feel ghosting. Today I feel finished. Today I feel a bench warmer... I know what it feels to be discriminated... I was bullied because I am Pristiano Penaldo.
An attractive man and a blonde meet in an elevator.
"Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $30."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100."
The woman, slightly annoyed, gets off the elevator. The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she mumbles with her mouth full.
