Today jokes

So today I heard a friend say she had a stalker. I can confirm I've never seen a stalker following her.

Welcome to Morgan's Morgue and Pizzeria where yesterday's loss is today's sauce!

Welcome to the roadkill cafe, where yesterday's crash is today's cash.

I don't understand why, when I went to the shooting range today, the police came. Like, bro, I always go to elementary schools.

My girlfriend called me pedophile today.

Big word for a 12-year-old.

My dad told me he only drinks on days that start with a "T":

Tuesday, Thursday, today, tomorrow.

Once a woman suspected that her husband was fucking their daughter at night. So she made a plan. That night, she gave her daughter sleeping pills and told her husband that you go to sleep, I have a headache and I will sleep on the sofa in the drawing room today. After everyone slept, she picked up her sleeping daughter and laid her on the sofa and went to her bed and lay down. After an hour, the door of the room opened and one man entered the room and jumped on the bed and fucked her intensely for 2 hours. Then she turned on the light with the bed switch and said, "You definitely didn't expect me." "I definitely didn't expect you, MOM! But you are more delicious than sister"! Her son replied in surprise!

Today, I gave a blind kid a gun and told him it was a hair dryer. The police thought it was suicide since I have no fingerprints. Wow, I’m so nice taking care of the disabled.

My mom has a policy where if you kill a butterfly, no butter for a week, and if you kill a grub, no grub for a week.

She killed a cockroach today. I have some bad news for her.

Today in 3rd grade English, the teacher asked the kids a question, "What turns on when you take your clothes off?"

Little Elsa blushed and screamed, "You can't ask that!"

The English teacher repeats the question and Elsa screams, "I'll tell my parents on you and get you fired!"

Finally, Little Tim raises his hand, "The shower, ma'am."

The English teacher clapped her hands, "Good job, Tim, and as for you Elsa, you do not have the body for that."

Today I got a lecture from my mother, and congratulated her. Why?

Because she managed not to damage me in a physical fashion.

me: calls suicide hotline. hotline lady: suicide hotline, how are you doing today? me: not much, just hanging.

I replaced "Jingle Bells" with "Jiggle Balls"... "Jiggle balls, jiggle balls, jiggle all the way! Oh what fun it is to ride on jiggly balls today!"

Today, I had an exam in school. When I was done, I raised my hand and yelled, “Pisstiano Penaldo!”

My teacher smiled and took my paper. She knew I was finished.

It's opposite day today. I'm gonna tell an orphan that their parents are here.

I lost my driver's license today. I hit my ex with my car.

A young boy is stood on the top of a cliff crying. A priest approaches and says, "Why are you crying my son?" "My parents just crashed the car off the cliff and died." "It's just not your day today is it?" Said the priest, unbuttoning his flies.

My girlfriend dumped me today. Apparently, I don't stand up for her in fights. I don't care. She used to push me around all the time.

Today is sad. My sister got hit by a car, and I lost my license as a driver.

John: Hi, boss, it is raining heavily today, so I will not be coming.

Boss: You stated in your job application that swimming was your hobby, so see you at 11 AM.