Today jokes

I ran into a fat woman today. She said next time, don't hit me. I said I don't think I have enough gas to go around.

Then the ground started to rumble with every step she took.

Today, I filmed an unboxing video at my friend's funeral.

His parents weren't too happy.

Quote Of The Day: Where there is no struggle, there is no strength.

Love you guys, and hope today was amazing!

Peace out! <3

If you're pro-life, I hope you get hit by a bus today!

The pie tasted weird today.

Then I realized that my mother likes cooking pie with human flesh from C town.

I got in trouble in school today. The teacher said, "I'm gonna call your parents!"

I said, "Let me know when you find them." <3

Normal Kids: Today is a lovely day.

Emo kids: Here lies Chris, he shot himself!

(Phone call) This is Frank's funeral home and grill, where yesterday's grief is today's beef. How may we help you?

I ran into a kid today. Now I'm in jail and I lost my driver's license.

"Hi, this is Pete's pizzeria and abortion clinic, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce."

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Twins.

Twins who?

Twins go boom boom today on 9/11.

My dog died today. 😥

My girlfriend left me today for spending my own money. What a bitch! I spend a fair amount of money on her for her clothes and Air Force Ones, but as soon as I spend $100 on hookers, she leaves me.

Did you see that car crash today where the guy got the entire left side of his body cut off?

He's all right now.

I got sent to the principal's office today because I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into a fire and screamed, "HOT WHEELS!"

Teacher says, "Okay class, today we're gonna talk about what everyone wants to be when they grow up." Little Johnny, how about you go first."

Little Jonny: "I want to be a speed bump when I grow up!"

Today I passed the exams to be a funeral director!

Too bad it's a dying trade. :)

I saw an emo kid that got a haircut today. But instead of saying “Like ya cut, g” and slapping the neck, I slapped the wrist and said “Like ya cut’s g”.

Teacher: I was an orphan as a child.

Student: Sorry to hear.

Teacher: Is anyone missing today?

Student: Your parents.

I got evicted from the hospital today for telling all the patients to stay positive!

What a negative effect!