Today jokes

My nan broke her toe on a brick today. Last time she broke her toe because she kicked her car tire. Does that now mean I have to tow her back to the doctors?

I had an animal pun contest today. He started off by saying something. I don’t remember.

Then I replied, “TOUCAN play that game.” He went silent, and my other friend barged in and said, “Don’t you think he’s CHICKENing out?” I said, “Yeah, just stop HORSING around!” He came back with one, and I ended it by saying, “Ok, let’s MOOOOOve on cow.”

Welp, that’s it.

My son wore his new "Go Vegan" Hoodie for the first time today, and already he's been verbally abused as well as being punched, kicked, & spat on!!!!

And he's not even left the house yet!!!

I drove my new rainbow-colored car today. For some reason, it wouldn't go straight.

I ran into a fat woman today. She said next time, don't hit me. I said I don't think I have enough gas to go around.

Then the ground started to rumble with every step she took.

Someone told me I looked gay today. I told him that my clothes just came out of the closet this morning.

I got mad at my white friend today. I, as a darker person, had told them to meet me outside at 3 o'clock. They, being VERY special that day, had said, "AM or PM?"

Laughing at their question, I said, "Honey, 3 AM, because I'll lose a fight at 3 PM."

Okay, guys. Today we're gonna read the Women's Rights of 1920...

Okay, thanks for watching!

I didn't break my back in the accident, thankfully.

But I can break yours today, hopefully.

The pie tasted weird today.

Then I realized that my mother likes cooking pie with human flesh from C town.

Today I'm attaching a light to the ceiling, but I'm afraid I'll probably screw it up.

Quote Of The Day: Where there is no struggle, there is no strength.

Love you guys, and hope today was amazing!

Peace out! <3

Today, I filmed an unboxing video at my friend's funeral.

His parents weren't too happy.

If you're pro-life, I hope you get hit by a bus today!

"Hi, this is Pete's pizzeria and abortion clinic, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce."

My dog died today. 😥

I got sent to the principal's office today because I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into a fire and screamed, "HOT WHEELS!"

I got in trouble in school today. The teacher said, "I'm gonna call your parents!"

I said, "Let me know when you find them." <3

(Phone call) This is Frank's funeral home and grill, where yesterday's grief is today's beef. How may we help you?

Did you see that car crash today where the guy got the entire left side of his body cut off?

He's all right now.