Today Jokes

Good afternoon. My name is Russell. And I am a wilderness explorer of Tribe 54, Sweat Lodge 12. Are you in need of any assistance today, sir?

My nan broke her toe by a brick today, last time she broke her toe because she kicked her car tire . Does that now mean I have to toe her back to the doctors.

I drove my new rainbow-colored car today. For some reason, it wouldn't go straight.

I didn't break my back in the accident, thankfully. But I can break yours today, hopefully.

* sans at sans favorite restaurant* Sans: hey frisk what do you eat today?

Frisk: one knife plz

sans: ok one knife plz

Waiter: you eat a knife?

Frisk: yes

* waiter asking for one knife*

Waiter: here you go

Frisk: thanks you

Today I filmed a unboxing video at my friends funeral His parents weren’t to happy

if you're pro life I hope you get hit by a bus today :)

The pie tasted weird today. Then I realized that my mother likes cooking pie WITH human flesh from C town.

My girlfriend left me today for spending my own money. What a bitch I spend a fair amount of money on her for her clothes and airforces but as soon as I spend a $100 on hookers she leaves me

hi this is Pete's pizzeria and abortion clinic,where yesterday loss is today's sauce

I got sent to the principal office today because I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into a fire and screamed, “HOTWHEELS!”

Did you see that car crash today where the guy got the entire left side of his body cut off? He's all right now

I ran into a kid today now im in jail and i lost ma drivers license

Normal Kids: Today is a lovely day Emo kids: Here lies Chris he shot himself

I got in trouble in school today. The teacher said "I'm gonna call your parents!" I said "let me know when you find them" <3

knock knock whos there? twins. twins who? twins go boom boom today on 9/11

I got evicted from the hospital today For telling all the patients to stay positive! What a negative effect!

Teacher: I was an orphan as a child Student: sorry to hear Teacher:is anyone missing today Student: Your parents

I saw an emo kid that got a haircut today. But instead of saying “Like ya cut g” and slapping the neck. I slapped the wrist and said “Like ya cut’s g”.