Today jokes

My nan broke her toe on a brick today. Last time she broke her toe because she kicked her car tire. Does that now mean I have to tow her back to the doctors?

I had an animal pun contest today. He started off by saying something. I don’t remember.

Then I replied, “TOUCAN play that game.” He went silent, and my other friend barged in and said, “Don’t you think he’s CHICKENing out?” I said, “Yeah, just stop HORSING around!” He came back with one, and I ended it by saying, “Ok, let’s MOOOOOve on cow.”

Welp, that’s it.

I got mad at my white friend today. I, as a darker person, had told them to meet me outside at 3 o'clock. They, being VERY special that day, had said, "AM or PM?"

Laughing at their question, I said, "Honey, 3 AM, because I'll lose a fight at 3 PM."

Someone told me I looked gay today. I told him that my clothes just came out of the closet this morning.

My son wore his new "Go Vegan" Hoodie for the first time today, and already he's been verbally abused as well as being punched, kicked, & spat on!!!!

And he's not even left the house yet!!!

I ran into a fat woman today. She said next time, don't hit me. I said I don't think I have enough gas to go around.

Then the ground started to rumble with every step she took.

I drove my new rainbow-colored car today. For some reason, it wouldn't go straight.

Today I'm attaching a light to the ceiling, but I'm afraid I'll probably screw it up.

Be grateful:

You're missing work today because in the past, someone cared enough to leave that banana peel on the stairs.

I didn't break my back in the accident, thankfully.

But I can break yours today, hopefully.

Teacher says, "Okay class, today we're gonna talk about what everyone wants to be when they grow up." Little Johnny, how about you go first."

Little Jonny: "I want to be a speed bump when I grow up!"

The pie tasted weird today.

Then I realized that my mother likes cooking pie with human flesh from C town.

Quote Of The Day: Where there is no struggle, there is no strength.

Love you guys, and hope today was amazing!

Peace out! <3

My girlfriend left me today for spending my own money. What a bitch! I spend a fair amount of money on her for her clothes and Air Force Ones, but as soon as I spend $100 on hookers, she leaves me.

If you're pro-life, I hope you get hit by a bus today!

Today, I filmed an unboxing video at my friend's funeral.

His parents weren't too happy.

I got in trouble in school today. The teacher said, "I'm gonna call your parents!"

I said, "Let me know when you find them." <3

(Phone call) This is Frank's funeral home and grill, where yesterday's grief is today's beef. How may we help you?

My dog died today. 😥

"Hi, this is Pete's pizzeria and abortion clinic, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce."