Today jokes

I won the lottery for a million dollars today, so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

I now have $999,999.75.

Why is the sun red today?

The sun turned red today. Here's why. As an enormous Atlantic storm batters Ireland, a related phenomenon is turning heads further east over in the United Kingdom. ... Just like the way sunsets are sometimes red, excess particles in the atmosphere can change the color of the sun in the daytime.

I got in touch with my inner self today, it's the last time I use 1-ply toilet roll.

My girlfriend dumped me today. Apparently, I don't stand up for her in fights. I don't care. She used to push me around all the time.

I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.

Went swimming today and peed in the deep end. The lifeguard saw me and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.

I took a pole today. 100% of the people in the tent were unhappy that it collapsed.

I bullied a handicap today.

What is he gonna do? Stand up for himself?

I was given my electronics test today. Turns out it was given to me 'cause I have the same name as someone who got 54/59. I actually got my hopes up, too.

Any body have nothing to do? Well here is a prank that you'll never forget!

(Btw I never actually did this irl yet)

So tell your parents at night to come in in about 30 minutes cuz your legs hurt and you need them rubbed. So when they come in, pretend like your sleeping and right before they go out shout: NO! Then they will look at you but you'll be sleeping. (The idea is that you'll be sleep talking.) Then you start to cuss and say the most random things like: Hey you can't chew my cud it's mine, plus, you even went swimming today at that damm lake! Also say something like: YOU SON OF A BITCH! *swat in the air once* Then say: Why I made your f*ckin' bed today you stupid parents! *swat three times* And btw try and not smile as hard as it may be cuz they will be looking at you weird. And try to open your eyes just enough so you can see them. And depending on the tipe of parent you have they may wake you up by then or they will get interested and start laughing! Any way, then say: That mother f*cker that lives across the street just said I was ugly, you should do something about it(sibling name) ______. And also say: And if you happen to know where the nearest store is then that would be helpful. Then say: No Hulk! Leave me alone I love you! *swat twice*. Then say: Uncle Timmy Tom you are such a nude nick.(my dad made up the word nude nick, it just means crazy and annoying) Then settle down and lay on your stomach in your "sleep" and make it look like you putting the blanket on you more, but irl it would probably be to hide a smile! I think I will stop there cuz I don't think any one could hold in there laughter that long and if you feel like you can hold out longer then just make something up.

I hope you guys can do this and it goes well for you! Please comment! Byeee!

On a hot summer's day, a famous celebrity tweeted, "It is a beautiful day, and I'm deciding which kid to have fun with today." To which the local priest replied, "I too am deciding which of your kids to have fun with today."

Joe's pizzeria and abortion clinic.

Yesterday's loss is today's sauce.

Hey guys, today's funniest prank: is when I poured a bunch of red wine into the chicken salad...to be honest, it was a TON of wine I poured in there! My family could not tell the difference at all! Anyway, bye, that's the prankster! Next time or see you next time!

My grief counselor died today. He did such a great job. I don't even care.

Today is the day, time for more jokes!

Today I got a lecture from my mother, and congratulated her. Why?

Because she managed not to damage me in a physical fashion.

What is the difference between the human rights act of a home from school and walk walk home and walk walk home from school and walk walk home and walk walk home from school and walk walk home and walk walk home from school and walk walk home and walk walk home from school and walk?

Good afternoon. My name is Russell, and I am a wilderness explorer of Tribe 54, Sweat Lodge 12. Are you in need of any assistance today, sir?

John: Hi, boss, it is raining heavily today, so I will not be coming.

Boss: You stated in your job application that swimming was your hobby, so see you at 11 AM.

Therapist: So what brought you here today?

Wife: He's too literal.

Therapist: And you, sir?

Husband: My truck.