Today jokes

I drove my new rainbow-colored car today. For some reason, it wouldn't go straight.

Someone told me I looked gay today. I told him that my clothes just came out of the closet this morning.

Today, I filmed an unboxing video at my friend's funeral.

His parents weren't too happy.

I didn't break my back in the accident, thankfully.

But I can break yours today, hopefully.

My son wore his new "Go Vegan" Hoodie for the first time today, and already he's been verbally abused as well as being punched, kicked, & spat on!!!!

And he's not even left the house yet!!!

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Twins.

Twins who?

Twins go boom boom today on 9/11.

I got in trouble in school today. The teacher said, "I'm gonna call your parents!"

I said, "Let me know when you find them." <3

Normal Kids: Today is a lovely day.

Emo kids: Here lies Chris, he shot himself!

(Phone call) This is Frank's funeral home and grill, where yesterday's grief is today's beef. How may we help you?

I ran into a kid today. Now I'm in jail and I lost my driver's license.

Did you see that car crash today where the guy got the entire left side of his body cut off?

He's all right now.

I got sent to the principal's office today because I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into a fire and screamed, "HOT WHEELS!"

"Hi, this is Pete's pizzeria and abortion clinic, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce."

My girlfriend left me today for spending my own money. What a bitch! I spend a fair amount of money on her for her clothes and Air Force Ones, but as soon as I spend $100 on hookers, she leaves me.

My dog died today. 😥

Teacher: I was an orphan as a child.

Student: Sorry to hear.

Teacher: Is anyone missing today?

Student: Your parents.

I got evicted from the hospital today for telling all the patients to stay positive!

What a negative effect!

Teacher says, "Okay class, today we're gonna talk about what everyone wants to be when they grow up." Little Johnny, how about you go first."

Little Jonny: "I want to be a speed bump when I grow up!"

Today I passed the exams to be a funeral director!

Too bad it's a dying trade. :)

I saw an emo kid that got a haircut today. But instead of saying “Like ya cut, g” and slapping the neck, I slapped the wrist and said “Like ya cut’s g”.