Teacher says, "Okay class, today we're gonna talk about what everyone wants to be when they grow up." Little Johnny, how about you go first."
Little Jonny: "I want to be a speed bump when I grow up!"
Did you see that car crash today where the guy got the entire left side of his body cut off? He's all right now
Teacher: I was an orphan as a child Student: sorry to hear Teacher:is anyone missing today Student: Your parents
I got sent to the principal office today because I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into a fire and screamed, “HOTWHEELS!”
I got evicted from the hospital today for telling all the patients to stay positive!
What a negative effect!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Twins.
Twins who?
Twins go boom boom today on 9/11.
I got in trouble in school today. The teacher said, "I'm gonna call your parents!"
I said, "Let me know when you find them." <3
Say this when you answer a spam call...
"Hi, welcome to Bob's Taco Shack and Funeral Home, where yesterday's grief is today's beef."
(Phone call) This is Frank's funeral home and grill, where yesterday's grief is today's beef. How may we help you?
Normal Kids: Today is a lovely day.
Emo kids: Here lies Chris, he shot himself!
I ran into a kid today. Now I'm in jail and I lost my driver's license.
The pie tasted weird today.
Then I realized that my mother likes cooking pie with human flesh from C town.
Quote Of The Day: Where there is no struggle, there is no strength.
Love you guys, and hope today was amazing!
Peace out! <3
If you're pro-life, I hope you get hit by a bus today!
Today, I filmed an unboxing video at my friend's funeral.
His parents weren't too happy.
I didn't break my back in the accident, thankfully.
But I can break yours today, hopefully.
I drove my new rainbow-colored car today. For some reason, it wouldn't go straight.
I ran into a fat woman today. She said next time, don't hit me. I said I don't think I have enough gas to go around.
Then the ground started to rumble with every step she took.
Today I'm attaching a light to the ceiling, but I'm afraid I'll probably screw it up.
Karen walks into McDonald's.
Lady at the counter: HI what can I get for you today??
Karen: I want 1 SMALL FRIES PLEASE AND MAKE IT SNAPPY LITTLE NOODLE!
Lady at the counter: yes miss.
Karen: I WILL NOW INSPECT THIS.
Lady at the counter: *sweats*
Karen: THIS IS NOT SALTY ENOUGHT! GET ME THE MANAGER KNOW, SKINY NOODLE!
