Today jokes
Someone told me I looked gay today. I told him that my clothes just came out of the closet this morning.
My son wore his new "Go Vegan" Hoodie for the first time today, and already he's been verbally abused as well as being punched, kicked, & spat on!!!!
And he's not even left the house yet!!!
I didn't break my back in the accident, thankfully.
But I can break yours today, hopefully.
I drove my new rainbow-colored car today. For some reason, it wouldn't go straight.
I ran into a fat woman today. She said next time, don't hit me. I said I don't think I have enough gas to go around.
Then the ground started to rumble with every step she took.
If you're pro-life, I hope you get hit by a bus today!
Today I'm attaching a light to the ceiling, but I'm afraid I'll probably screw it up.
Today, I filmed an unboxing video at my friend's funeral.
His parents weren't too happy.
The pie tasted weird today.
Then I realized that my mother likes cooking pie with human flesh from C town.
I got sent to the principal's office today because I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into a fire and screamed, "HOT WHEELS!"
"Hi, this is Pete's pizzeria and abortion clinic, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce."
My girlfriend left me today for spending my own money. What a bitch! I spend a fair amount of money on her for her clothes and Air Force Ones, but as soon as I spend $100 on hookers, she leaves me.
Quote Of The Day: Where there is no struggle, there is no strength.
Love you guys, and hope today was amazing!
Peace out! <3
My dog died today. 😥
Teacher says, "Okay class, today we're gonna talk about what everyone wants to be when they grow up." Little Johnny, how about you go first."
Little Jonny: "I want to be a speed bump when I grow up!"
Today I passed the exams to be a funeral director!
Too bad it's a dying trade. :)
I saw an emo kid that got a haircut today. But instead of saying “Like ya cut, g” and slapping the neck, I slapped the wrist and said “Like ya cut’s g”.
I got evicted from the hospital today for telling all the patients to stay positive!
What a negative effect!
Teacher: I was an orphan as a child.
Student: Sorry to hear.
Teacher: Is anyone missing today?
Student: Your parents.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Twins.
Twins who?
Twins go boom boom today on 9/11.