Today jokes

Today I passed the exams to be a funeral director!

Too bad it's a dying trade. :)

I saw an emo kid that got a haircut today. But instead of saying “Like ya cut, g” and slapping the neck, I slapped the wrist and said “Like ya cut’s g”.

Teacher: I was an orphan as a child.

Student: Sorry to hear.

Teacher: Is anyone missing today?

Student: Your parents.

I got evicted from the hospital today for telling all the patients to stay positive!

What a negative effect!

My girlfriend left me today for spending my own money. What a bitch! I spend a fair amount of money on her for her clothes and Air Force Ones, but as soon as I spend $100 on hookers, she leaves me.

My dog died today. 😥

"Hi, this is Pete's pizzeria and abortion clinic, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce."

I got sent to the principal's office today because I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into a fire and screamed, "HOT WHEELS!"

Say this when you answer a spam call...

"Hi, welcome to Bob's Taco Shack and Funeral Home, where yesterday's grief is today's beef."

I got in trouble in school today. The teacher said, "I'm gonna call your parents!"

I said, "Let me know when you find them." <3

Normal Kids: Today is a lovely day.

Emo kids: Here lies Chris, he shot himself!

(Phone call) This is Frank's funeral home and grill, where yesterday's grief is today's beef. How may we help you?

Did you see that car crash today where the guy got the entire left side of his body cut off?

He's all right now.

I ran into a kid today. Now I'm in jail and I lost my driver's license.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Twins.

Twins who?

Twins go boom boom today on 9/11.

We have a new member of staff here today. He has no arms, no legs, and no body. He will be known as "The Head."

Be grateful:

You're missing work today because in the past, someone cared enough to leave that banana peel on the stairs.

I drove my new rainbow-colored car today. For some reason, it wouldn't go straight.

Today I'm attaching a light to the ceiling, but I'm afraid I'll probably screw it up.

I didn't break my back in the accident, thankfully.

But I can break yours today, hopefully.