Today jokes
I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.
Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
Today a child asked if I was an angel. I asked why, and he said, "Mommy says that angels have marks on their wrists because they don't want to be in this world."
I was walking today and I saw an emo with a noose looking up at a tree. I simply said, "Hang on there, bud!"
Ran out of toilet paper, so had to start using lettuce leaves... today was the tip of the iceberg.
So I went to my friend's funeral today. As we were all leaving, a kid put a "get well soon" card next to my friend's grave. 'Poor kid'.
On a hot summer's day, a famous celebrity tweeted, "It is a beautiful day, and I'm deciding which kid to have fun with today." To which the local priest replied, "I too am deciding which of your kids to have fun with today."
This one kid never stands up for the pledge of allegiance, and I'm tired of it.
Today, I push him out of his wheelchair.
I got in touch with my inner self today, it's the last time I use 1-ply toilet roll.
Today, I dreamt about giving head to Johnny Depp.
Then I woke up and realized that I forgot to roll my windows up when passing through the New Jersey Turnpike.
The weirdest thing happened to me today. I was driving 50 mph and hit a speed bump and it screamed!
Today, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.
My parents are the worst.
My friend was feeling low today, so I went up to her and said, "You know, I would hang in there if I was you, swaying through life." I don't think she likes me now.
Government Briefing:
Joe Biden had a meeting with the cabinet today...
...He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the desk.
Today, I operated on a little girl. She needed O-negative blood. We didnโt have any, but her twin sister has O-negative blood. I explained to her that it was a matter of life and death. She sat quietly for a moment, and then said goodbye to her parents. I didnโt think anything of it until after we took her blood and she asked, โSo when will I die?โ She thought she was going to give her life for her sister. Thankfully they both died.
Today was a bad day. First, my ex got hit by a bus. Then I lost my job as a bus driver.
Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that, as a punishment, she won't eat butter for 1 month.
Today I saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her "nice try".
Today, I gave a blind kid a gun and told him it was a hair dryer. The police thought it was suicide since I have no fingerprints. Wow, Iโm so nice taking care of the disabled.
I got fired from my job today at a banana factory. They said to throw away the bad ones, so I threw away the bent ones.
I don't understand why, when I went to the shooting range today, the police came. Like, bro, I always go to elementary schools.