Today Jokes

I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

Today a child asked if I was an angle, I asked why and he said "mommy says that angels have marks on their wrists because they don't want to be in this world."

i was walking today and i saw a emo with a noose looking up at a tree i simply said " hang on there bud!"

Ran out of toilet paper so had to start using lettuce leaves...today was the tip of the iceberg

So I went to my friends funeral today, As we were all leaving a kid put a get well soon card next to my friends grave ‘poor kid’

On a hot summers day a famous celebrity tweeted " it is a beautiful day and I`m deciding which kid to have fun with today" to which the local priest replied " I too am deciding which of your kids to have fun with today".

This one kid never stands up for the pledge of allegiance and I'm tired of it. Today I push him out of his wheelchair.

I got in touch with my inner self today, it's the last time I use 1 ply toilet roll

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.

My friend was feeling low today so I went up to her and said "You know I would hang in there if I was you, swaying through life" I don't think she likes me now

The weirdest thing happend to me today i was driving 50mph and hit a speedbump aand it screamed

Today, I operated on a little girl, she needed O- negative blood. We didn’t have any, but her twin sister has O- negative blood. I explained to her that it was a matter of life and death. She sat quietly for a moment, and then said goodbye to her parents. I didn’t think anything of it until after we took her blood and she asked, “so when will I die”? she thought she was going to give her life for her sister. Thankfully they both died.

Today was a bad day. First My ex got hit by a bus. Then I lost my job as a bus driver

Today, I dreamt about giving head to Johnny Depp. Then I woke up and realized that I forgot to roll my windows up when passing through the New Jersey Turnpike.

Today I gave a blind kid a gun and told him it was a hair dryer. The police thought it was suicide since I have no fingerprints, wow I’m so nice taking care of the disabled

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when i saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that as a punishment, she won't eat butter for 1 month. Today i saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her "nice try".

I got fired from my job today at a banana factory. They said to throw away the bad ones so I throwaway the bent ones

I was in a haunted house today. Nothing scared me until I reached the last room where I saw the scariest Halloween ghost I've ever seen. He took my pens and ghosted. I was told that i saw pristiano penaldo and I was lucky enough to see him because he performs once in a blue moon