Today jokes

I won the lottery for a million dollars today, so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

I now have $999,999.75.

I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.

Today a child asked if I was an angel. I asked why, and he said, "Mommy says that angels have marks on their wrists because they don't want to be in this world."

I was walking today and I saw an emo with a noose looking up at a tree. I simply said, "Hang on there, bud!"

The weirdest thing happened to me today. I was driving 50 mph and hit a speed bump and it screamed!

On a hot summer's day, a famous celebrity tweeted, "It is a beautiful day, and I'm deciding which kid to have fun with today." To which the local priest replied, "I too am deciding which of your kids to have fun with today."

Ran out of toilet paper, so had to start using lettuce leaves... today was the tip of the iceberg.

So I went to my friend's funeral today. As we were all leaving, a kid put a "get well soon" card next to my friend's grave. 'Poor kid'.

This one kid never stands up for the pledge of allegiance, and I'm tired of it.

Today, I push him out of his wheelchair.

I got in touch with my inner self today, it's the last time I use 1-ply toilet roll.

Today, I dreamt about giving head to Johnny Depp.

Then I woke up and realized that I forgot to roll my windows up when passing through the New Jersey Turnpike.

My girlfriend called me pedophile today.

Big word for a 12-year-old.

Today, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

My friend was feeling low today, so I went up to her and said, "You know, I would hang in there if I was you, swaying through life." I don't think she likes me now.

I parked in a disabled space today...

...and a traffic warden shouted to me, “Oi, what's your disability?” I said “Tourettes! Now fuck off!”

Government Briefing:

Joe Biden had a meeting with the cabinet today...

...He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the desk.

Today, I operated on a little girl. She needed O-negative blood. We didn’t have any, but her twin sister has O-negative blood. I explained to her that it was a matter of life and death. She sat quietly for a moment, and then said goodbye to her parents. I didn’t think anything of it until after we took her blood and she asked, “So when will I die?” She thought she was going to give her life for her sister. Thankfully they both died.

Today was a bad day. First, my ex got hit by a bus. Then I lost my job as a bus driver.

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that, as a punishment, she won't eat butter for 1 month.

Today I saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her "nice try".

I got fired from my job today at a banana factory. They said to throw away the bad ones, so I threw away the bent ones.