Today jokes

Q: If George Washington was alive today, what would he do?

A: Scratch mercilessly at the coffin walls, while screaming at the top of his lungs!

I met a guy in a wheelchair today. His face was battered and bruised. "What happened to your face?" I asked.

"I'm a Paralympian," he replied.

"Boxing?"

"No, ... hurdles."

One time this kid came back from school and said, "Mom I have one good news and one bad news, which one do you wanna hear first?" And his mom said, "Good news please," and the boy said, "I got 100% on my math test today." and his mom gave him a hug, and the boy said, "Now to the bad news, I LIED!"

I took my mother-in-law out today...

I love being a sniper.

My kid runs in today to tell me that he found a floating cow, but when he got me to come and see, all I saw was a piñata with a tail and white spots. Such a stupid child. So after that I gave him a nice refreshing drink from the toilet and a few of those chocolate sprinkles. (: I'm such a good parent...

Today sucked. My girlfriend got hit by a car, and I lost my job as an Uber driver.

Today was a bad day. There was a man throwing butter and cheese at me, how dairy!

My job is so amazing.

Today a man asked me to check his balance, so I pushed him over. His balance isn't good.

What do you say to your pet when you're super tired, slow, and worn out?

"I'm totally dogging it today..."

Today is the day, time for more jokes!

I got barred from Weight Watchers today.

It wasn't my fault; it was the fat ass next to me who spilled her box of Maltesers onto the floor in the middle of the room. All I did was say that it was the funniest game of Hungry Hungry Hippos that I have ever seen.

Today I went to get a sub, and they asked me if I wanted all vegetables. I said no, leave some for the rest of the customers.

This is Riley abortion clinic. Yesterday's loss is today's sauce.

I called my dog 5 miles.

Today, I fawn over my miles.

Hey Alya and JK Master, how are you guys doing? No one being an ass to you guys today, right? If so, I'll beat them up :)

I was dying when I called my sister and she said, "Hi, this is Pepperoni's pizza and abortion clinic; your loss, our sauce. How may I help you today?"

Today I was asked if I was in favor of legalizing prostitution.

I admit I haven't given it much of a thot.

Sad news, my obese parrot died today.

Mind you, it's a huge weight off my shoulders.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Twins.

Twins who?

Twins go boom boom today on 9/11.

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app, and it just sent an ambulance to my house.