Today jokes

Today was like every other day. It was so terribly long and so terribly dreary. I fear these feelings will never end. I’ll always feel so dark, feel so hopeless. Sometimes all I want is for it to end. For all of it to end, for all of my thoughts to end. I despise the way that always comes to mind. But I feel so lost, feel so hopeless. If something would just work. But nothing has worked. Nothing can fix this. These feelings will pass. These days won't feel so endless... or so absolutely heavy. Just give it some time. Just give it some hope... and some belief. The ‘happy pills’ will work. The doctor says they'll help... they'll help it go away. Just dump the pill in your hand. Let yourself place the little white thing on your tongue... Let yourself throw your head back and swallow. It'll make this better. It should make me feel better.

Everything has changed! The world is so bright— The world is so loud! I don’t know how I never noticed! The sun is so warm— The grass is so green! I feel so awake! I feel so content— I feel so happy! It’s so strange! I’m not anxious— I’m not overthinking! I guess those pills really worked! I think I’m really getting better— I think I’m really going to be happy!

xthegamer0 is 35. He grew up with GTA5 and is still playing it today.

I pulled my kid out of school after a woke teacher taught my six-year-old about pronouns! Yesterday, it was "he/she," today, "they/it," tomorrow, "I/you/we!"

Why did Sally not come home from school today?

Because she died by a flying brick!

Period: Guess who’s back... back again...

Me: Ugh, can we not do this today?

Period: I can come back in 9 months?

Me: Keep fucking singing.

Today a canvasser came to my door asking if I wanted to make a donation to protect women in the Congo.

I told her no.

The canvasser got a little upset with me and said, "Don't you know that the Congo is the rape capital of the world?"

"Then they should be used to it by now," I replied.

During school today, a girl gave my friend her number. When I saw it, it was the principal's number.

I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into a fire today.

Now they call him Hot Wheels.

So, today is my birthday. Today, I am 13, but yesterday I am going to turn 10. But I am not even going to school to know the number ten, because one time at 10 p.m. in the morning it was so cold in my hot room, so I went outside to drive my car. But I stopped because the light turned green. I was taking a bath in the front of my car, and it didn’t have a bin, so I am taking a sh$t.

Today I heard someone playing "Dancing Queen" on the didgeridoo.

It was very Abba-riginal.

Hey Alya and JK Master, how are you guys doing? No one being an ass to you guys today, right? If so, I'll beat them up :)

I shouted "Jenga" in class today.

We were watching clips of 9/11.

I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.

I did a walk today, but it was so much better, and a walk home. I had dinner. Night was good fun at home. Night was good night. I was a little off, but you were so fun to be a night.

TODAY'S BRAIN CELL COUNT:

2, and both are competing for 5th place.

I was at school today, and one of my friends said after a test, "Man, that was hard." After that, I started laughing and I said, "That's what she said."

What time is it when you can walk home from school today and walk?

I did a walk today, but I had a walk home from a walk. Walk today, but it when.

I ran into a fat woman today. She said next time, don't hit me. I said I don't think I have enough gas to go around.

Then the ground started to rumble with every step she took.

I got mad at my white friend today. I, as a darker person, had told them to meet me outside at 3 o'clock. They, being VERY special that day, had said, "AM or PM?"

Laughing at their question, I said, "Honey, 3 AM, because I'll lose a fight at 3 PM."