Today

Today jokes

Smurf

    • Tree Smurf, Pope Smurf and Smurf are civilian children.

    Brain Baum-Schremp: "Mom, are you really hot today?"

    Father Schremp: "Don't forget Heidelberg."

    Putz-Mignon to Stewart: "Holbrugger?" - he said.

    Schlumffen: "The wheel is always there: the toilet wheel."

    Baum-Schlumpf: "Information about cucumbers, something salad and other vegetables. Warming up?"

    Day

    • Today is Elder Abuse Awareness Day.

    Unfortunately, they're still not giving lessons on how to beat an annoying Alzheimer's patient without leaving a mark.

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    • Mute

    • Today I asked my best friend what their favorite joke was. They started waving their hands around, and I thought it was a sign to go, thinking I had offended them or something. Turns out they were mute...

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    • Visibility

    • I got mad at my white friend today. I, as a darker person, had told them to meet me outside at 3 o'clock. They, being VERY special that day, had said, "AM or PM?"

    Laughing at their question, I said, "Honey, 3 AM, because I'll lose a fight at 3 PM."

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    • Knock knock

    • Kim Jong Il: Knock knock.

    Political Prisoner: Who's there?

    Kim Jong Il: Boo.

    Political Prisoner: Boo who?

    Kim Jong Il: Boo hoo? Don't cry just because I executed your wife and enslaved your children. You at least get to eat today, my friend.

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    • Penguin

    • One day, a cop pulls a van over, and when he walks up to the window, he sees ten penguins in the back.

    The cop asks the man, “Are those your penguins?”

    The man says, “Yes, they are my pets.”

    The cop replies to the man, “You need to take them to the zoo right now.”

    So the man agrees and drives off. The next day, the cop pulls over the same van, and he walks up to the window and sees the ten penguins all wearing sunglasses.

    The cop says to the man, “I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo.”

    The man says, “I did! Today, we are going to the beach!”

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    • Orphan

    • Doctor: "I am so sorry, I cannot see you today."

    Orphan: "Oh, okay. What about tomorrow?"

    Doctor: "No, I can't see you ever."

    Orphan: "Why?"

    Doctor: "Because I am a family doctor."

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    • Pronoun

    • I pulled my kid out of school after a woke teacher taught my six-year-old about pronouns! Yesterday, it was "he/she," today, "they/it," tomorrow, "I/you/we!"

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