Today jokes
14 girls asked me to go out today!
I was in the ladies' toilets...
Doctor: "I am so sorry, I cannot see you today."
Orphan: "Oh, okay. What about tomorrow?"
Doctor: "No, I can't see you ever."
Orphan: "Why?"
Doctor: "Because I am a family doctor."
Someone told me I looked gay today. I told him that my clothes just came out of the closet this morning.
Why did Sally not come home from school today?
Because she died by a flying brick!
Why did Sally not come home from school today?
Because she got hit by a bus.
"You have your entire life to be an idiot. Why not take today off?"
I pulled my kid out of school after a woke teacher taught my six-year-old about pronouns! Yesterday, it was "he/she," today, "they/it," tomorrow, "I/you/we!"
They're teaching my 1st grader pronouns! Today it was he/she/they. Tomorrow, you/are/is!
Once a woman suspected that her husband was fucking their daughter at night. So she made a plan. That night, she gave her daughter sleeping pills and told her husband that you go to sleep, I have a headache and I will sleep on the sofa in the drawing room today. After everyone slept, she picked up her sleeping daughter and laid her on the sofa and went to her bed and lay down. After an hour, the door of the room opened and one man entered the room and jumped on the bed and fucked her intensely for 2 hours. Then she turned on the light with the bed switch and said, "You definitely didn't expect me." "I definitely didn't expect you, MOM! But you are more delicious than sister"! Her son replied in surprise!
Today I was asked if I was in favor of legalizing prostitution.
I admit I haven't given it much of a thot.
My girlfriend called me pedophile today.
Big word for a 12-year-old.
I got sad today.
My dad told me he only drinks on days that start with a "T":
Tuesday, Thursday, today, tomorrow.
I moved so much stone today.
I feel like a guy from Palestine looking for his wife.
Juice WRLD really died, then how is he posting videos today?
Government Briefing:
Joe Biden had a meeting with the cabinet today...
...He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the desk.
I went to the dump truck today, and my wife said, "Thanks for visiting."
Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said, “Parking fine.”
Today I'm attaching a light to the ceiling, but I'm afraid I'll probably screw it up.
I went to see my doctor today and I asked him how come every time I have sex my eyes hurt.
He said that’s a common reaction to pepper spray.