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Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver

“Hey today was great” “What happened” “I ran into my ex today” “What’s so great about that?” “I was in my car”

“I had a great day today.” “Why?” “Because Allison was frustrated at her calculator and started banging it on the side of the table and the teacher screamed, ‘Allison how would you like it if I banged you on the table?’”

I invented a new word today.

Plagiarism

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. – I gave him a glass of water.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

I bought a gun from Walmart today. I guess they knew what I was going to do with it, because when I pulled the gun on the cashier, I realized the firing mechanism was in reverse.

Today in math class we had to do an activity where we had to flip coins. The teacher said that we had to flip some coins, remove all of the heads, count them, and put the rest of the coins back in the cup and repeat until we had no coins left. I’m not sure what we were supposed to get out of that activity, but I got 15 dead bodies.

Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. – I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

I met a guy in a wheelchair today. His face was battered and bruised. “What happened to your face?” I asked.

“I’m a Paralympian,” he replied.

“Boxing?”

“No, … hurdles.”

One day I came home from school and said to my dad ‘I got expelled from school today’ he said ’ how’ I said I threw my book at the teacher’ he asked why’ I told him we were doing an anti-bullying program and my teacher said words can’t hurt me so I threw my dictionary at her. ’

You know what I saw today?

Everything I looked at.

So I went to my friends funeral today, As we were all leaving a kid put a get well soon card next to my friends grave ‘poor kid’

Q: If George Washington was alive today, what would he do? A: Scratch mercilessly at the coffin walls, while screaming at the top of his lungs!

Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls. – I was in the women’s bathroom.

Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.

Woman one: I got so mad at my GPS today that I told it to go to hell! Woman two: Did that work? Woman one: Well, it took me to my in-laws’ house.

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts’ which, on one hand, is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.