"Hey, today was great."
"What happened?"
"I ran into my ex today."
"What's so great about that?"
"I was in my car."
Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls. -- I was in the women's bathroom.
I wasn't planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
I screamed "Jenga" today in class while watching a 9/11 documentary.
today, i asked my phone, "siri why am i still single" and it activated the front camera
Today my EX got trampled by a bunch of horse and sadly I lost my job as a horse trainer.
Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn't believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap. -- He was high on my list of priorities.
Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.
"I had a great day today." "Why?" "Because Allison was frustrated at her calculator and started banging it on the side of the table and the teacher screamed, 'Allison how would you like it if I banged you on the table?'"
Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
I was thinking about you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.
i groomed 2 minors today
You know what I saw today?
Everything I looked at.
I tried to commit suicide today; never doing that again I almost killed myself
I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out
Ran out of toilet paper so had to start using lettuce leaves...today was the tip of the iceberg
I invented a new word today.
Plagiarism
This one kid never stands up for the pledge of allegiance and I'm tired of it. Today I push him out of his wheelchair.
I tried to make vegetable soup today, but the wheelchair didn't fit in the pot.
