Today jokes

I tried to commit suicide today; never doing that again. I almost killed myself.

Today I was asked to go out by 20 girls. -- I was in the women's bathroom.

Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts,' which, on one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.

I tried to make vegetable soup today, but the wheelchair didn't fit in the pot.

One day, I came home from school and said to my dad, "I got expelled from school today." He said, "How?" I said, "I threw my book at the teacher." He asked, "Why?" I told him, "We were doing an anti-bullying program, and my teacher said words can't hurt me, so I threw my dictionary at her."

I just found out my ex got stabbed today... let's just say I lost my job as a butcher.

I did a walk today, but I had a walk home from a walk. Walk today, but it when.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

"Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn't believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

I wasn't planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.

Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. -- I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

So, today is my birthday. Today, I am 13, but yesterday I am going to turn 10. But I am not even going to school to know the number ten, because one time at 10 p.m. in the morning it was so cold in my hot room, so I went outside to drive my car. But I stopped because the light turned green. I was taking a bath in the front of my car, and it didn’t have a bin, so I am taking a sh$t.

Hi, oooo was the day I was a kid. I was going home to school today after dinner!

I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into a fire today.

Now they call him Hot Wheels.

Today in math class we had to do an activity where we had to flip coins. The teacher said that we had to flip some coins, remove all of the heads, count them, and put the rest of the coins back in the cup and repeat until we had no coins left. I’m not sure what we were supposed to get out of that activity, but I got 15 dead bodies.

I invented a new word today.

Plagiarism.

Two atoms were walking on a street. One atom said to the other: "I'm feeling really positive today," and the other replied: "I know. I stole your electron." Then the first atom said "How Ionic."

"Hey, today was great."

"What happened?"

"I ran into my ex today."

"What's so great about that?"

"I was in my car."

"I had a great day today." "Why?" "Because Allison was frustrated at her calculator and started banging it on the side of the table and the teacher screamed, 'Allison how would you like it if I banged you on the table?'"