I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

“Hey today was great” “What happened” “I ran into my ex today” “What’s so great about that?” “I was in my car”

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. – I gave him a glass of water.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

Today in math class we had to do an activity where we had to flip coins. The teacher said that we had to flip some coins, remove all of the heads, count them, and put the rest of the coins back in the cup and repeat until we had no coins left. I’m not sure what we were supposed to get out of that activity, but I got 15 dead bodies.

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts’ which, on one hand, is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.

I invented a new word today.

Plagiarism

“I had a great day today.” “Why?” “Because Allison was frustrated at her calculator and started banging it on the side of the table and the teacher screamed, ‘Allison how would you like it if I banged you on the table?’”

I met a guy in a wheelchair today. His face was battered and bruised. “What happened to your face?” I asked.

“I’m a Paralympian,” he replied.

“Boxing?”

“No, … hurdles.”

Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. – I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

One day I came home from school and said to my dad ‘I got expelled from school today’ he said ’ how’ I said I threw my book at the teacher’ he asked why’ I told him we were doing an anti-bullying program and my teacher said words can’t hurt me so I threw my dictionary at her. ’

Q: If George Washington was alive today, what would he do? A: Scratch mercilessly at the coffin walls, while screaming at the top of his lungs!

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver

I tried to commit suicide today; never doing that again I almost killed myself

I tried to make vegetable soup today, but the wheelchair didn’t fit in the pot.

i just found out my ex got stabbed today…lets just say i lost my job as a butcher

Today was a bad day, their was a man throwing butter and cheese at me, how dairy

One time this kid came back from school and said “Mom I have one good news and one bad news, which one do you wanna hear first?” And his mom said "Good news please.’’ and the boy said “I got 100% on my math test today” and his mom gave him a hug, and the boy said “Now to the bad news, I LIED”

Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls. – I was in the women’s bathroom.

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