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Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver

“Hey today was great” “What happened” “I ran into my ex today” “What’s so great about that?” “I was in my car”

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. – I gave him a glass of water.

I invented a new word today.

Plagiarism

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. – I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

I met a guy in a wheelchair today. His face was battered and bruised. “What happened to your face?” I asked.

“I’m a Paralympian,” he replied.

“Boxing?”

“No, … hurdles.”

You know what I saw today?

Everything I looked at.

Today in math class we had to do an activity where we had to flip coins. The teacher said that we had to flip some coins, remove all of the heads, count them, and put the rest of the coins back in the cup and repeat until we had no coins left. I’m not sure what we were supposed to get out of that activity, but I got 15 dead bodies.

Q: If George Washington was alive today, what would he do? A: Scratch mercilessly at the coffin walls, while screaming at the top of his lungs!

One day I came home from school and said to my dad ‘I got expelled from school today’ he said ’ how’ I said I threw my book at the teacher’ he asked why’ I told him we were doing an anti-bullying program and my teacher said words can’t hurt me so I threw my dictionary at her. ’

Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls. – I was in the women’s bathroom.

Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.

I won the lottery for a million dollars today, so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. – I now have $999,999.75.

My boyfriend came over today and stole my milk. How dairy.

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap. – He was high on my list of priorities.

Little Jonny walks in on his parents having sex. He asks what their doing and the father says: “Well…We’re making you a brother.” So little Jonny runs off to let his parents finish, happy that he’s going to have a brother soon. The next day when little Jonny’s father comes come Jonny is crying out on the driveway. The father sits down next to Jonny and asks what’s wrong. Jonny cries: “I won’t have a baby brother!” HIs father is confused. “What do you mean?” He asks. “Because the mailman came by today and ate him!”

Woman one: I got so mad at my GPS today that I told it to go to hell! Woman two: Did that work? Woman one: Well, it took me to my in-laws’ house.