Today jokes
I wasn't planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
"I had a great day today." "Why?" "Because Allison was frustrated at her calculator and started banging it on the side of the table and the teacher screamed, 'Allison how would you like it if I banged you on the table?'"
"Hey, today was great."
"What happened?"
"I ran into my ex today."
"What's so great about that?"
"I was in my car."
Today in math class we had to do an activity where we had to flip coins. The teacher said that we had to flip some coins, remove all of the heads, count them, and put the rest of the coins back in the cup and repeat until we had no coins left. I’m not sure what we were supposed to get out of that activity, but I got 15 dead bodies.
Today was a bad day. There was a man throwing butter and cheese at me, how dairy!
Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn't believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.
I invented a new word today.
Plagiarism.
Q: If George Washington was alive today, what would he do?
A: Scratch mercilessly at the coffin walls, while screaming at the top of his lungs!
I tried to make vegetable soup today, but the wheelchair didn't fit in the pot.
One time this kid came back from school and said, "Mom I have one good news and one bad news, which one do you wanna hear first?" And his mom said, "Good news please," and the boy said, "I got 100% on my math test today." and his mom gave him a hug, and the boy said, "Now to the bad news, I LIED!"
I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into a fire today.
Now they call him Hot Wheels.
Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
I tried to commit suicide today; never doing that again. I almost killed myself.
Hi, oooo was the day I was a kid. I was going home to school today after dinner!
Today I was asked to go out by 20 girls. -- I was in the women's bathroom.
I just found out my ex got stabbed today... let's just say I lost my job as a butcher.
I met a guy in a wheelchair today. His face was battered and bruised. "What happened to your face?" I asked. "I'm a Paralympian," he replied. "Boxing?" "No, ... hurdles."
Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. -- I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Two atoms were walking on a street. One atom said to the other: "I'm feeling really positive today," and the other replied: "I know. I stole your electron." Then the first atom said "How Ionic."
One day, I came home from school and said to my dad, "I got expelled from school today." He said, "How?" I said, "I threw my book at the teacher." He asked, "Why?" I told him, "We were doing an anti-bullying program, and my teacher said words can't hurt me, so I threw my dictionary at her."