Literal jokes

My dad and I were talking and my cat left the room.

So I said, "I guess she wasn't feline it."

My dad said, "You've got to be kitten me, that was purrfect!"

I said, "Literally."

How does a kid with no arms or legs like a video on YouTube when they say smash the like button?

They literally smash the like button "uuuuuugghghhhgBANG!"

Why do girls only stay in odd groups of friends?

Because they literally can't even.

Your penis is literally BLUE!

What did the rapper say when he broke his mic?

"Looks like I dropped the mic... literally!"

Literally no one: Why can't you hear the pterodactyl?

Random person: I don't know.

No one: BECAUSE THEY ARE EXTINCT!

Random person: Ha, cool, I guess.

Someone cutting the cheese then farted.

Someone sees the cheese, and it smelled like crap (literally). He said, "Who cut the cheese?"

I just wanted to say whoever is a faker pretending to be me, that you are literally ruining my life right now. And I can literally not take this right now in life and that I just want peace so please, please stop.

Your mama so fat that when she sits around the house, she literally sits around the house.

So, I remember growing my own peanuts really well. There's one that's larger than the others. I can't keep my eye off of it.

I'm scared that it moves at night.

I'm being serious. I literally can't keep my eye off it.

If you think about it, the 9/11 memorial is literally just a scoreboard.

Nobody

Literally nobody

Gordan Ramsey: do you need me to bring Hitler back to life so he can show you how to use a fucking oven?

So I gave a disabled kid hot wheels. I mean cars, no I gave him literal hot wheels!

I was 11 or 12 at the time.

Guy (passing me): "How are you doing?" Me, an autist: "Pretty bad honestly." Guy (continued walking past me) Me: ...

If you didn’t know, “what’s up” and “how are you doing” are phatic expressions in the United States, meaning that they’re said as greetings even though they literally mean something else.

Dam, sometimes when I look at my friend's head, I say, "Dam, that's a dam big head, Nick." Then he is like, "Dude, that's a literal dam."

Why can’t you trust an atom?

Because they make up literally everything.

I told an emo kid that we were going to hang (hangout), but they took it too literal.

You know they say, when you get lemons make lemonade... Well, I took that a little bit too literal.

Turns out squeezing your wife's tits as hard as you can hurts them.

But at least lemonade came out!

FaceBook Story: My mom loves FaceBook; she literally posts every day, but this day was sort of a hard hit.

So what happened was my mom got tired of her old name on Facebook, so she changed it to Thatmilf85, and I don't want to explain what milf means, but she got a lot of DM's from a lot of old guys. BUT, this one exact guy named Johnny Sins asked my mom if she wanted to do an adult film. I don't know what that is. I think it's an adult movie, of course, so she says yes and flies out to San Diego, and she never came back after yesterday, and to YOU Johnny Sins, my mom better be Ok and that adult film better be an adult movie and not a por...

My sister's boyfriend was coming around for Christmas Day. He had the option of two birds to tuck into: Turkey or Goose.

I said, "Are you not satisfied with my sister, who is literally handing herself on a plate to you?!"