my dad told me to do wht he did best so i left
What do emos like to do when they're sad... They play violin on their wrists
if your bored joke about an Orphan what are they going to do tell there parents
A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking! Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."
Why is it illegal to do reverse cowgirl in Alabama. You never turn your back to your family
Whats the difference between homework and a hooker? They both start with an "H" but we all know what one we would like to do.
A kid is arrested for a school shooting threat he is then apprehended and asked why he wanted to do this. He responds with "what do you mean I already did it" then the police ran back to the school to aprehend the other people he was planing it with the cops busted in through the doors which caused a smoke trap to go off which then the cops saw three people walk in and the police begin to fire. But as the smoke began to clear the cops saw that the three people were 16 kids duck taped to rolling poles 4 per pole. Back to the station holding the kid being apprehended. the kid puts his feet up on a chair and said "Aww it pays to be lazy!"
bully: im going to hurt you so bad You: well..your IQ is same amount of teeth im about to knock out so...your so dumb that you cant don't even know how to do that
and your IQ is 5
One day at school, Little Johnny and his friends were asked to do a sheet of paper which said, βPut a matching word from the word bank into the slot in the sentence that makes it make sense.β But when the teacher marked Little Johnny's papers, she asked why he put the word bank in every slot. And he says, βWell teacher, you said to put a word from the word Bank and that's one word! So I had no choice but to put down that word!β
What do tomatoes π learn to do in a race?
Ketchup!
Things you never want to do in jail - never piss off an inmate - donβt start fights with the cops - donβt drop the soap - donβt run away from the cops
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
Dad: here u go son all ur toys have gone to the orphanage Son: why dad Dad:you would be bored there if there was not anything to do
I asked the gym instructor
"can you teach me to do the splits?",
"How flexible are you?" He asked
"Well, I can't make it on Fridays."
Me: good night everyone My friends and family: night Me: *gets in coffin* My family: *stares at my friends* you aren't going to do something?!? My friends: *to my family* nope, this is normal.
a man went into a library and asked for a book on how to do suicide and the librarian said "fuck off you wont bring it back"
How many white guys does it take to screw a lightbulb?
None. They hire me to do it.
This is a poem my younger sister when she was three, recited to a crowd and I will never forget it. It is very short though.
Good night, sleep tight, wake up bright in the morning light, to do what's right, with all your might.
my girlfriends dog died so i got her a new one in replacement and she went off on me and yelled
"What am i supposed to do with 2 dead dogs in my house?!"
How many line cooks does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three. One to do it, and two to say that they did it better at the previous restaurant they were at.
