To-Do Jokes

What punishment are teachers unable to do to orphan?

Call their parents

I got sent to the principal's office after telling the kid in the wheelchair to do a wheelie

what do Special Ed kids and fast kids have in common? They like to do things SPED up.

My late grandpa was always popular with women. One day, before he died, I asked him what his secret was. He said "I inherited a watering hole." Bewildered I replied, "What does that have to do with anything?" "I could easily get anyone wet because I was well endowed."

I wanted to do something nice for my uncle, so i cleaned out the nice vase that was given at grandma's funeral. It had so much sand im glad to help

How many white guys does it take to screw a lightbulb?

None. They hire me to do it.

My friend said they were going to make a come back I told them to do it at the back of the throat

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking! Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."

Here’s a trick I learned to do on the calculator

Sally had 69 boobs (69) which was too too too many (69222) so she went to the the doctor on 51st street (6922251) and he said to take a certain pill 8 times a day (6922251 times 8), which left her (flip your calculator over)

Boobless

How did the Mexican girl get pregnant? Her teacher told her to do his essay.

You: Finds a time clock that can change time

Your friend the next day: Hey, can borrow yo' house

You: No I'm trying to figure out what to do with my TIME

Also you: Changes the time back to 1267 so you don't have to have that friend again

Today is Good Friday, so there will be no meat for us to eat. Instead we have to do what lesbians do and eat fish.

My elderly relatives like to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!". They soon stopped though, when I started to do the same to them at funerals.