To-do jokes

Q: What did Donald Trump say after America gave him the boot?

A: What am I supposed to do with one boot?

Jesus and Moses come back to Earth.

Moses says, "Let's go down to the ocean and see if I can do what I used to when I was here before." So Moses raises his arms and motions to part the waters. Sure enough, he is able to part the waters just as before.

Jesus quips, "Close the water, I'm going to try to do what I used to when I was here last." So Jesus walks out on top of the water, then sinks to the bottom. He crawls out pulling seaweed off of him. Moses says, "Hey, it's not your fault, you didn't have those holes in your feet before."

1: I wish my cancer could kill me quicker so I don't have to do this class anymore.

2: I'm dying, finally.

3: I'm sorry, I can't go to your party because I'm expected to be dead by then.

On a serious note, I might actually have cancer and I'm getting checks. I hope for the best :/

Mom: Daddy, stop!

Me: No!

Mom: Ok, I just wanted you to do it like your father.

Top tip; if your wife asks, "What would you like to do to my body?" 'Identify it' is the wrong answer.

I decided that I'll end it all, but when I drove off, I remembered I forgot to do the dishes.

Me: "Oh man, things are really happening for me! I have so much to do!"

Depression: "Lie in bed."

Sister: I don't want to do it, but...

Me: No more butts! Butts are too yuck to be in this sentence.

It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. The daughter says, "God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad." The father says, "Good bye Grandad? Why is that?" The daughter says, "Just because I felt like it." The next day, Grandad drops dead.

The father can't believe the coincidence, but decided not to question it. That night, he listens to the daughter's prayers again. She says, "God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The father is shocked again and asks his daughter why, but she says again, "Just because I felt like it." The next day, the Grandma drops dead and now the Father is getting worried but doesn't know what to do, so he tries to forget about it. That night, he listens to his daughter again and she says, "God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy." The father is now terrified and goes to work the next day sweating, cancels all of his meetings, and hides in his office for the whole day. He doesn't go home and stays there until midnight. He's very surprised. 'I've cheated death!' he thinks to himself, then rushes home. His wife asks, "Where have you been?!" and the husband says, "Oh don't ask me any questions, today's been miserable." The wife replies, "Your days been miserable? Well, listen to my day! Firstly, the milk man drops dead on the porch..."

Imagine being such a low life that you need people to roast you to have stuff to do.

If you're ever down one day, just go to the orphanage and bully an orphan because what is he going to do about it? He has no parents.

I got sent to the principal's office after telling the kid in the wheelchair to do a wheelie.

What punishment are teachers unable to do to orphans?

Call their parents.

My friend said they were going to make a comeback. I told them to do it at the back of the throat.

I wanted to do something nice for my uncle, so I cleaned out the nice vase that was given at grandma's funeral. It had so much sand, I'm glad to help.

What do Special Ed kids and fast kids have in common? They like to do things sped up.

My late grandpa was always popular with women. One day, before he died, I asked him what his secret was. He said, "I inherited a watering hole."

Bewildered, I replied, "What does that have to do with anything?"

"I could easily get anyone wet because I was well endowed."

My friend wants to do martial arts, but he's disabled, so I guess it’s partial arts.

My wife wanted a boob job. I told her it was too expensive.

I told her all she has to do is take some toilet paper and rub it in between her boobs for a few days, and they would get bigger. She asked, "How is that supposed to work?"

I replied, "I don't know how it works, but it did a heck of a job on your ass!"