To-Do Jokes

How did the Mexican girl get pregnant? Her teacher told her to do his essay.

You: Finds a time clock that can change time

Your friend the next day: Hey, can borrow yo' house

You: No I'm trying to figure out what to do with my TIME

Also you: Changes the time back to 1267 so you don't have to have that friend again

Today is Good Friday, so there will be no meat for us to eat. Instead we have to do what lesbians do and eat fish.

My elderly relatives like to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!". They soon stopped though, when I started to do the same to them at funerals.

My favorite thing to do on my free time is putting a large skewer on the front of my car and speeding through a school zone trying to make a kebab.

What’s emo kids likes to do in their spare time?

Hanging out.

What's the hardest thing to do?

Not kill your sibblings. (Put the knives away >:)

Why are orphans rude at school?

What's the school going to do? Call their parents?

This is why orphans are dangerous with cardboard. They either start eating it or making into a house and halucinating that they have a family.

So I threw out the cardboard and said "You have to stay in reality. Fantasies arent real. You cant and will never get a home"

Next day they make cardboard parents so i threw that away and said "May attention to reality, you will never get parents:

Next day they start acting like parents and tell me what to do. Again I said "Snap to reality. You will never be a parent" The orphan responded with "Oh really?! How so" I just simply said "You don't have a house and parents. You literally like eating cardboard and then you make parents out of it. You like to eat out old people!"

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline. The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.

A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.

"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.

"My wife cheated on me." a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.

"I'm sorry to hear that." Dave says.

"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."

Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:

"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"

Why did God create women before men? He didn’t want any advice on how to do it

If you're bored punch a orphan. What are they going to do? Tell their parents?

Women should have the right to choose whether they want to do cooking or cleaning first.

You have to do this and my sister said well I don't care and I said well you care enough to respond back oh my gosh.

small word of advice:Don't wait till next month or next year to do stuff with the people you love cuz they may be gone by then, you don't realize but every second there is someone who dies and it just could be your loved one.