A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was “she was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?” The wife reply’s “perform the fucking autopsy!”
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”
jack and jill went up the hill to do it in the water. jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a daughter
A blind comedian was asked to do stand up for a hospital. No one laughed at his jokes, so he continued to sing, "If you're happy and you know it..."
The room was full of arm amputees.
what do you not want to do when it comes to giving an emo a job?
showing them the ropes.
your hairline is so bad the cops had to do a breathalyzer test on your barber.
If prostitution had a tax exempt status and if a adult book store had a tax exempt status because of a glory hole churches would have to do something else to keep their tax exempt status to avoid the risk of going out of business
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "What are you going to do now?"
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
What's Michael Jackson's favourite thing to do on guitar? Fingering A minor
One thing that Johnny Depp and Michael Jackson love to do? Sniff on little white crack.
Why wasn't Michael Jackson admitted to college? He refused to declare a major; he only wanted to do minors.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap. -- He was high on my list of priorities.
Therapist: What do you want to do when you grow up? Me: Oh I wan- Therapist: Don’t say to be dead Me: Well I want to be an entrepreneur, I want to sell land, pencils oh yeah. I also want to sell farm
They said I was depressed, I should make an effort to do what I love. I had to pay a hooker for, twelve hours work. ... I felt nothing, but its was nice, being with someone who felt the same.
*My mom trying to get me to do dishes*
Mom: I gave you life and you should be able to wash dishes.
Me: Why did you?
Mom: I was very drunk...
Explains a lot...
If you are going to make fun of someone make fun of orphans. What are they going to do, tell their parents?
Double whammy. Dark humor is like a kid with cancer it never gets old.
I keep looking for my girlfriends killer but no one wants to do it.
I bought a gun from Walmart today. I guess they knew what I was going to do with it, because when I pulled the gun on the cashier, I realized the firing mechanism was in reverse.
Jared from Subway-Remember kids tuna sub backwards is what I'm going to do on your face
A kid is watching tv and sees an ad about adopting an animal,he then turns to his mother and says “do we have to adopt a donkey” “no” replied the mom, “but we decided to do it......we adopted you”.
