Why do orphans only have 363 days in a year?
Because they don’t have a “mother’s” or “father’s” day!
A guy walks to his friend's house. His friend says, "Where is your girlfriend?" The guy says, "Meet me at the cemetery in a week."
Edward Scissorhands: Why is it that every time I touch someone, they get offended?
Kids: Because you're a psycho path.
What is the difference between a priest and anesthesia?
The anesthesia takes time to put you under.
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like an apple.
Have you ever had a friend who masturbated many times? I had one who did a lot, but he had no imagination... when he masturbated, he imagines his hand.
What did the blind man say the first time he touched sandpaper?
“What in the world did I just read?”
I went to see my doctor today and I asked him how come every time I have sex my eyes hurt.
He said that’s a common reaction to pepper spray.
Straight people ask why gays have such a good fashion sense.
They have to come out of the closet sometime.