Time jokes
I can't sit down anymore... My dad went too far this time.
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex. Guess they misunderstood when I said I wanted to watch.
"What do you do with your free time?"
"I stalk."
"Really? I enjoy walks in the park, going to the movies, and hanging out with friends."
"I know."
What do you call a clever clock?
Clockwise.
My friend told me to make more friends, so I joined a suicide cult.
I’ll be hanging with them for a while.
who else
Cheer up! Old age doesn't last that long!
Me: Mom, I think I need to go to the hospital.
Mom: OMG, why son?
Me: I don't know what's wrong, but every time I close my eyes, I can see.
Think about it, then spread LMAO.
What was Stephen Hawking's favorite song?
Deja Vu.
My boy, I think it is about time that I leave this world. Now draw your weapon and kill me now!
*draws a picture of his "epic" sword*
"What... WHAT... WTH ARE YOU DOING SIMPLETON? I DIDN'T MEAN THAT KIND OF DRAW!"
The only time that cows will make noise is when they are in the moooo-d.
My teacher asked us what sex is. My friend, Bobby, got up and said in a loud, clear voice, "Sex is a temptation caused by a sensation, where a boy puts his location into a woman's destination to increase the population of the next generation. Do you understand my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?" The teacher shot him 23 times before she fainted.
My grandad and your hairline go way back.
Today is the day, time for more jokes!
My Wife: How much do you love me??
Me: Count all the stars.
My Wife: Aww, infinity.
Me: No, a waste of time.
I wasn't close to my dad when he died.
Which was good. He died during 9/11.
How do you know someone is fucking dumb?
They put jokes that have been used several times already.
Mother Nature deserves a traffic ticket.
Summer is speeding by way too fast. 🤣🤣🤣
Every time someone calls me fat I get so depressed I cut myself...
A piece of cake.
So I was in the car with my mom one time and we always joke about me being adopted (I am not), and Michael Jackson's song "Billie Jean" sounds like my name, and so my mom says, as the song is playing, "(My name) is not my daughter, she's just a girl who claims that I am her mum." Wow. *applauds for mother* Love you momma =)
Why do orphans have only 363 days in their calendar year?
Because they don't have father's and mother's days.