Time jokes

Did you hear about the fire at Noelle's place?

Her sister is a real Dess-ember!

I went to see my doctor today and I asked him how come every time I have sex my eyes hurt.

He said that’s a common reaction to pepper spray.

How can you be fast and slow at the same time, getting a gold medal in the Special Olympics?

One time a blind person grabbed my arm thinking it was something else.

"Oh wow, this is such an interesting book!"

Is your name winter? Because you’ll be cumming soon.

What’s one thing you can say during family dinner and in bed?

"Will there be seconds?"

I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.

Straight people ask why gays have such a good fashion sense.

They have to come out of the closet sometime.

How many times does 50 fit into 9?

Get in a van and find out!

Every time a Light Saber goes off, it's just a Jedi Master getting hard over a kid. Lol.

I have a fish that can breakdance, but only for 20 seconds and only once.

"Fuckin blakfellas be drunk all the time," slurred Barry McKenzie over his tenth pint of guiness.

The next time I knock on your door, I'll hit you instead of the door.

Dad: If you study, then I will buy you a new iPhone.

Son: Okay, I'll do it!

5 hours later...

Son: I'm done!

Dad: I lied.

Son: So did I!

Yo mama so fat, her belly enters the room 10 minutes before she does.

Your hairline goes so far back that it had dinner with Jesus.

One time I tried running to home, but I forgot I don't have one, so I stayed at third.

Small word of advice: Don't wait till next month or next year to do stuff with the people you love, because they may be gone by then. You don't realize, but every second there is someone who dies, and it just could be your loved one.

Why does an orphan only have 363 days in a year?

Because they don’t have mothers and Father’s Day!

POV: 11:07 PM At night, reading these when you notice that, like everyone else, you have no life.