Time jokes

Today, there was a big test for Little Timmy. During the test, Timmy had to take a really huge shit. So, he rushed to the bathroom. He took a while in there.

When he was done, he realized there was no more toilet paper left. Since there was nothing around him to use, the only thing he could do was wipe with his hand. His time in the bathroom was up, and he needed to finish that test! He didn’t have time to wash his hands. So, he hurried back. The problem was, the hand he wiped with was his right hand. He used his left hand to complete the test, which made him fail. When he got home, his mother was standing there crossing her arms. “Timmy, the teacher had called and said you wrote sloppy on your test. Why is that?” Timmy replied, “Oh, it’s because I caught a leprechaun with my right hand, but if I opened it, my classmates would scare him away, so I had to use my left.” Timmy’s mother glared at him with disbelief. “Timmy, I don’t believe you. Now open your hand!” Timmy did so and opened his hand. “See, mother? I said you’d scare the shit out of him!”

What is a paedo's favourite time of year?

Halloween because they get free delivery.

What does a burnt pizza, cold beer, and a pregnant woman have in common?

Someone didn’t pull it out in time.

What does a clock do when he's still hungry?

He goes back "four" seconds!

They said time heals all wounds, well, I broke your watch.

Yo mama is so old that when she was in history class as a kid, all they learned about was themselves!

A male unexploded landmine was in love with a female unexploded landmine, and he said to her...

"Hey, baby, we should bang sometime!"

What is a joke that will never end even though you want it to?

For me, life.

I told an orphan there were 363 days in a year.

When I'm chilling and a little kid ruins my moment.

Why do orphans only have 362 days in a year?

Because they don't have Mothers', Fathers', and Family Day!

“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given.

I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”

What do u call an Asian that was born at the wrong time?

Wrong тайминг.

Why were the Twin Towers so good at football? They were the best wide receiver of their time!

I shouted at a kid. I told him to get his parents.

It was the last time I worked at an orphanage, 🤣.

Why did the orphan sit alone in the corner?

They wanted some family time.

What is the best joke of all time?

Feminism.

Did you hear about the fire at Noelle's place?

Her sister is a real Dess-ember!

I went to see my doctor today and I asked him how come every time I have sex my eyes hurt.

He said that’s a common reaction to pepper spray.

How can you be fast and slow at the same time, getting a gold medal in the Special Olympics?