Time jokes

Have you ever had a friend who masturbated many times? I had one who did a lot, but he had no imagination... when he masturbated, he imagines his hand.

One time there was a depressed man standing in the middle of a train track. A girl said, "Excuse me, can you move, please? I'm trying-" Then the man stopped her sentence and said, "How is your t-shirt so clean?" Then she said back, "Easy, hung it up."

What did the blind man say the first time he touched sandpaper?

“What in the world did I just read?”

How many times does 50 fit into 9?

Get in a van and find out!

I went to see my doctor today and I asked him how come every time I have sex my eyes hurt.

He said that’s a common reaction to pepper spray.

One time a blind person grabbed my arm thinking it was something else.

"Oh wow, this is such an interesting book!"

Straight people ask why gays have such a good fashion sense.

They have to come out of the closet sometime.

Did you hear about the fire at Noelle's place?

Her sister is a real Dess-ember!

I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.

I’ve been munching away on these new Tic Tacs recently and honestly, they are really good.

It’s a little strange how they came in a bottle labeled “Ibuprofen” though, and really, I’m starting to feel a little sick. The bottle’s almost empty though, so it’s time to get some more!

Is your name winter? Because you’ll be cumming soon.

What’s one thing you can say during family dinner and in bed?

"Will there be seconds?"

Obesity kills thousands of times more Americans than shooting does, which teaches us an important lesson:

Shooters do poorly given the size of their targets.

What is the best joke of all time?

Feminism.

How can you be fast and slow at the same time, getting a gold medal in the Special Olympics?

Hillary Clinton lost last time to the first African American president, Barack Obama. Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump?

Because orange is the new black.

Yo mama is so old that when she was in history class as a kid, all they learned about was themselves!

What do u call an Asian that was born at the wrong time?

Wrong тайминг.

Why were the Twin Towers so good at football? They were the best wide receiver of their time!

Why do orphans only have 362 days in a year?

Because they don't have Mothers', Fathers', and Family Day!