Time jokes
Straight people ask why gays have such a good fashion sense.
They have to come out of the closet sometime.
What happens once every minute, twice every millennium, but never in a hundred years? The letter M.
The Middle Ages were called the dark ages because there were too many knights.
I can make 9/11 jokes, but every time I do, they crash and burn.
My friend says, "Time flies when having fun," so when he was gaming, I threw his clock to test that theory.
taking to your friends
How do you know if there's a vegan in the room?
Wait 2 minutes and they'll tell you.
Dad: I'm dying.
Son: Hi dying, I'm [name].
Dad: Really, now is not the time.
Son: I'm sorry.
Dad: Hi sorry, I'm Dad. (dies)
PERSON: I need to go so bad! TOILET: Long time no pee!!!
Three sons left home, went out into the world, and each of them made a lot of money. During a reunion, they discussed the gifts they'd given to their elderly mum.
"I built a big house for our mum," said the first.
"I sent her a Mercedes, with a chauffeur," said the second.
And the third smiled and said, "I think my gift was the best. You know how much mum enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know that her eyes aren't so good anymore? Well, I sent her a remarkable cockatoo that recites the entire Bible, both old and new testaments. It took a priest twelve years to teach him. That cockatoo is the only one in the world that can do it. All mum has to do is name the chapter and verse, and the cockatoo recites it."
A few days later, mum sent out her thankyou letters. She wrote to the first son,
"The house you built is so enormous that I only live in one room. The trouble is, I have to clean the whole house."
To the second son she said, "I'm far too old to travel anymore. I stay at home most of the time, so I've hardly used the Mercedes. In any case, the driver is so rude."
To the third son she wrote "Dearest Freddie. You have the good sense to know what your mum likes. The chicken was delicious!"
Dagger. This is to get your attention, for Dagger Jr. and I. We'd like to speak with you, and possibly Lynx, if we can find a time to all talk.
What's the difference between a dad and an Emo?
They both don't last a while.
Who do you call in times of a marriage crisis? A prostitute, because your wife fucking sucks.
Every time I tell a 911 joke, it bombs.
An old man goes to a church and is making a confession:
Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18-year-old."
Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"
Man: "I never have, I am Jewish."
Father: "Then why are telling me all this?"
Man: "I’m telling everybody!"
Being alive is so expensive, I am not even having a good time doing it.
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
If you wait for a woman to get 9 months pregnant and kill her, you will never be able to stop the loop.
You could think that some orphans are gay.
But think, would they be home-osexual? 🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️
If her age is on the clock, she can sit on my cock.
Kids, next time you have school dinners, make sure you have something you actually like so you don't have to shove all your food over to one side of the plate to make it look like you've eaten more than you actually have.