Time jokes
I traveled through time to get my dad back.
I failed because I was 1e21 years off.
Kid: Dad, where are you going?
Dad: To get milk.
TEN YEARS LATER
Kid's friend: Where's your dad?
Kid: He went to get milk but never came back.
What goes in and takes a while to come out?
Teacher to Student: You are supposed to be here at 9 am!
Student: Oh, did I miss anything?
What does a lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
"Same time next month?"
I did have a good [time].
Why do orphans only have 362 days in a year?
Because they don't have Mothers', Fathers', and Family Day!
Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times, and she won’t believe you.
Tell a woman she’s fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life.
How do 4 gay guys fit on one stool at the same time?
They flip it over.
Yo mama so dumb, she put a watch in a piggybank and said she was saving time.
The only difference between my grandma and the Twin Towers is that they collapsed faster than my grandma.
What time is it when you get a chance to take a car and drive all over?
Time to get in trouble!
Yo mama so fat that she was born on the 3rd, 4th, and 5th of March.
There were 30 high school seniors taking finals, and once they finished, the teacher, Mrs. Jones, walked up and down the classroom to collect the tests, and asked, "So, are you guys ready for college?" And Brian answered, "No way. School is just a waste of time, every day taking *seven cruel hours of our lives*." Angela replied, "Never! Like Brian said, school is just a waste of time, and the next level is surely not worth paying $50,000 for. Besides, math class is *mental abuse to humans*!" And Jack said, "School has been a waste of so much time I'll never get back, and after these *finals* I've realized... *fuck, I never actually learned shit*!"
1. If being ugly was a crime, you would have a life sentence.
2. My phone battery lasts longer than your friendships.
3. There is a tree out there giving you oxygen, and you owe that tree an apology.
4. I don’t hate you, but I gotta unplug your life support to charge my phone.
5. When I saw your dad on the sidewalk, I didn’t laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.
6. If I had powers, I would make you the dumbest person alive, but it seems life already beat me to the punch.
7. If karma ever comes to punch ya in the face, I wanna be there to help it.
8. If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.
9. You are more disappointing than a cake without frosting.
10. Were you born on a highway, 'cause that’s where most accidents happen?
11. Wow, that hurts, now I know how it felt when your mom said that to ya.
12. You're the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo, and you may as well be the reason why the middle finger was invented.
I was going home and 3 guys came up to me: an Italian, a Black guy, and a Spanish guy. They said, "You should be a proud brother, your sister knows her meats." I didn't know what they were talking about. They said, "Your sister won a trophy, you will see it when you get home." I went home. My sister said, "Look, I won a trophy by knowing my meats." I said, "What do you mean?" She said, "Well, 3 guys blindfolded me and I gave them a blowjob, each one of them, and I guessed which flavor it was. I was right all the time, that's how I won my trophy." As a big brother, I couldn't be any prouder.
Once upon a time, the end was what? When? How? End meow.
I tried to find my watch I lost last week, but I didn't have the time.
Is someone who is tardy again actually "retardy"?
Why did the rapper wear a watch to the studio?
Because it was all about the TIMING.