Time jokes

Why are there only 363 days in an orphan's calendar?

They don’t have fathers or Mother’s Day.

I’m tall when I’m young, and I’m short when I’m old. What am I?

Your mama is so fat, by the time I swerved to miss her with the car, I ran out of gas.

Mummy, how was I born?

Mummy replied, "Well, your father and I got married, and soon I became fat and you came out, and then in, out, in, out, and after you did that a million times, you were born."

I hope next time you ask your teacher to go to the toilet, your teacher says no, but when someone else asks, the teacher says yes to them.

What's the only time a Pentagon has four sides? When a plane intercepts into it.

Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

What goes up but never comes down?

I poo 11 times a day.

Yo momma is so old, her birthday's expired.

"What time is it?"

"Daytime."

If I had a dime for every time I heard someone say that F was the villain (Alphabet Lore), I would be rich.

Yo momma's so old that even scientists get baffled about where she lived before Earth was created.

The time I saw you and you asked me to be your friend.

Me: "Yeah... no. You're too ugly. Even your parents never loved you."

Kid: 😭

Why do orphans only have 363 days in a year?

Because they miss Mother’s Day and Father’s Day.

When I got to you and I was android and we were all in Minecraft for the last two years and we had the same problem UI with you anymore but you can see it on Instagram that it is not a real time thing or a android.

My little league football debut was a lot like the first time I had sex. I was beaten, bruised, and bloody, but at least my Dad came.

One time I fucked this chick so hard, she almost came back to life.

How many times can you subtract ten from one thousand?

One; after that you're subtracting ten from 990.

That's the last time we park the TARDIS outside the portaloos at Glastonbury!