Time jokes

Spy: Hahaha.

Me: What?

Spy: Time to pick up your mother.

Me: Oh no....

Someone booted Stephen Hawking offline. Maybe next time he will stand for the pledge/anthem.

Kid: Hey, Dad.

Dad: You're an hour late.

Kid: No, it was two hours. Also, I was working on math.

Dad: By yourself?

Kid: No.

Dad: A boy?

Kid: I was with the teacher.

Pigeons can be annoying at times, especially when their bones get stuck in-between your teeth.

What do you get if you cross Damian Lillard and a watch?

This will take a ton of time.

A skele-ton.

Miss Stephen likes kids like she likes wine: 15 years and in isolation.

Q: What did Darth Vader say to his smashed wristwatch?

A: I find your lack of face disturbing.

What season is it when you're on a trampoline?

Spring time!

Time is like a machine, it slows down when beaten.

If Fascism got popularized by autistics, the trains would have run on time.

I remember when I saw my dad's penis for the first time.

I said, "Dad, don't text me shit like that."

Hey, I met you like way way back, just like your hairline.

Your hairline and my grandpa go wayyyyy back.

The doctor said I have until 2:30 to live.

That’s like 20 years from now, I said.

He looks at the time. It’s 2:30.

Your forehead is so leaned back you can see the dinosaurs.

What does the dumb kid say to the blind kid?

"Long time no see!"

My wife is so fat! She wears high heels, she strikes oil.

When she sits around the house, she really sits *around* the house. Every time she turns around, it's her birthday.

Your mama is so fat.

She steps on the scales. She has to return in a couple days to get the results.

Your hairline is so far back that it dated back to 13 BC.