Time jokes
Why do orphans have 363 days on the calendar? Because they don't have Mother's or Father's Day!
Why do a woman like to have sex with the lights off?
They can't stand to see a man have a good time.
Just shit my pants and it ran all down my legs... last time I eat at Popeyes.
I was using my computer one time and I pressed Ctrl-Alt-Delete, and Stephen Hawking went into a deep sleep.
Your forehead [is] so big [that] every time you shout, your forehead starts pulsing.
Time to play guitar!
*absolutely shreds*
What are the odds of you being in a relationship that is going on in the next few months?
If you take a cap off a bottle, is it decapitation?
Sorry guys, I tried. I tried harder this time. I'll try again. Sorry, I can't delete things.
What is the difference between a tree house for dinner, and dinner with you today after school?
What time is it when you can drive home from phone?
What time is it when dogs get hurt?
Time to take your dog to the vet!
Every time I come in the kitchen, my girl is in the kitchen in the damn refrigerator eating all the food, like the fried chicken, the mashed potatoes, the collard greens, mac and cheese, and the cornbread.
Then I said I wanna eat some of that shit. I love soul food. Then I told her, "You keep it up; your fat ass is going to be big like the house on Haunted Hill."
My dad came over late at night. He was drunk. He started telling me how useless I was. Then I went to the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and stabbed him in the chest 47 times.
Three minutes later, he died. Now I’m losing my mind and cutting myself.
My friend had a drink called Quick Start, so I said, "That's a quick start to the morning!"
I like women how I like my hair dryer: locked in a closet most of the time and only being used to blow me dry.
Doctor: I'm sorry, but you still have 10 seconds left.
Man: What?! What about my family?! My son is still missing! I can't just leave like that!
Doctor: Don't worry sir, I told your family.
Man: That's... great... if they found my son, tell them that I love him more than anything and I couldn't keep that promise.
The doctor watches the man closing his eyes while tears fell down from his eyes.
Doctor: I will... dad...
Tq for reading my crappy joke.
A man who desperately wanted to be good after serving time in prison was visited by an Angel. "You want to change? You can still enter heaven on two conditions. You must bet on the horses with any money you have and pass your winnings to someone less fortunate, and you must never hold on to any beef." The Angel then disappeared.
The man did as was told and became generous and kind. As he emerged from the betting office with all his money, he would pass every penny of it all to a deserving person each and every time.
He, however, couldn't seem to avoid meat and would still eat it no matter what.
When he died, the Angel came back for him.
"But I'm undeserving; I can't come with you," he said.
"Yes, you can," replied the Angel, "you gave all your stake (steak) away."
On the 12th day of Christmas Peo Pessi gave to me:
12 tap ins
11 pointless dribbles
10 fixed league titles
9 missed penalties
8-2
6 dives
500 million robbed from Barca
4 UCL semi losses
3 times he blamed Higuain
2 retirements
And a transfer to a farmers league.
Your mom is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas, and it's still printing.
My dick is longer than your life.