Time Jokes

Q: Who are the fastest readers in the world?

A: The 9/11 victims. They went through 20 stories in seconds.

I’m light as a feather, yet the strongest person can’t hold me for five minutes. What am I?

What's the only time women are doing real work? When they are giving blow jobs.

Girlfriend: Babe, what do you think of our love?

Me: Look at the stars in the sky.

Girlfriend: Aww... it’s infinity, right?

Me: No, it’s a waste of time.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you.

Me: Whatever, when I take out the trash, I think of you.

If you wait for a woman to get 9 months pregnant and kill her, you will never be able to stop the loop.

A green, small, round car sits on a paved surface with plants and a building in the background. Text above the car reads, "there's no time to explain. get in the pea."

My mate caught me sniffing his disabled sister's knickers the other day. It wouldn't have been so bad, but she was wearing them at the time. It made the rest of the funeral so awkward.

Yo momma is so old, she farts dust!

Why are orphans so sad?

Because every time they swallow, they think... "You should have Mom."

A customer asked me to look at their hairline. I time traveled back to the dinosaurs.

Why do your orphans not drink beer?

Because last time they did, he went to suck some dudes' toes, then he tried to take him to his parents, but I guess that never happened.

We can nip March Madness in the bud, but only if we detect the warning signs of brooding, anti-social February Fever.

Q: I often think I'm ugly, but then I think of my sister and get over it.

What's the difference between a girl eating Taco Bell and doing sex a few times? Nothing. Something always comes out.

What did the beach say when the tide came in?

"Long time no sea."

When you want to see and smell your ex for the last time, look at a ugly dog, and smell the garbage.

Have a great day today!

My girl got mad at me last night for saying to my mom that she had a dildo ready at all times and is always hard, so my mom wanted to see. So I whipped out my penis and my mom said it’s bigger than your dad’s!