How can you be fast and slow at the same time, getting a gold medal in the Special Olympics?
Time Jokes
I went to see my doctor today and I asked him how come every time I have sex my eyes hurt.
He said that’s a common reaction to pepper spray.
"Monica Lewinsky has gone down on Bill Clinton several times. What's stopping her from having a one-night stand with Donald Trump?"
"Trump is nothing more than a little pussy, don't ya know?"
The first time riding my bike was a lot like my first time having sex.
It was hot. I was sweaty, but my sister had her hands on my shoulders all the time.
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex. Guess they misunderstood when I said I wanted to watch.
Bill Clinton and Joe Biden are on a sinking ship.
Joe Biden says we need to save the women and children. Bill Clinton says, "Screw the women and children." Joe Biden says, "Do we have that much time?"
Just because someone is white doesn't mean they are bad.
Sure, white Americans all treat Trump like a deity and are proud of their heritage of enslaving blacks.
But Canadians and Australians don't throw a hissy fit every time they see someone not white, and they don't think Europe is a country.
Did you hear about the fire at Noelle's place?
Her sister is a real Dess-ember!
Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and George Washington are on a sinking ship.
As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts: “Save the women!”
George W. Bush hysterically hollers: “Screw the women!”
Bill Clinton asks excitedly: “Do we have time?”
Every time I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.
There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, so I unplug them.
Why are people in Japan so thin?
Because it didn't end well the last time a Fat Man was there.
What is the best joke of all time?
Feminism.
Say "urine egger" five times fast.
Your ma is so slow, it took her 9 months to make a joke.
why are people in japan so slim? because the last time a fatman came, they lost half their population.
Why does Japan not allow little boys to run?
Because the last time a little boy came, Japan lost a state.
Why did the rapper sit on the clock?
He wanted to keep it real with TIME.
If you've spent less time inside your mother than your father has, you just might be from Alabama!
I used to think 11/11 was mistakenly 9/11.
Me traveling back in time to tell Americans there will be a big tsunami on 9/11/2001, and to survive it they have to climb the two tallest buildings in New York.
