Time jokes
Straight people ask why gays have such a good fashion sense.
They have to come out of the closet sometime.
Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.
Why was 2019 afraid of 2020?
Because they had a fight, and 2021.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.
Which days are the strongest?
Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
What’s one thing you can say during family dinner and in bed?
"Will there be seconds?"
What do you call an orphan’s family reunion?
Me time.
Is your name winter? Because you’ll be cumming soon.
Why are 9/11 victims the fastest readers in the world?
Because they went through 90 stories in just 10 seconds!
What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke? Timing.
My lesbian neighbors and my sister gave me a Rolex for my birthday. I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanted a watch.
What did Chris Brown say the first time he saw Rihanna?
I’d hit that.
Why do Black people not like country music?
Because every time they hear "hoedown," they think their sister got shot.
What’s the opposite of Stephen Hawking? Stephen walking.
One time a blind person grabbed my arm thinking it was something else.
"Oh wow, this is such an interesting book!"
Two Italian men get on a bus.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. They speak with an Italian accent.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
How can you be fast and slow at the same time, getting a gold medal in the Special Olympics?
I went to see my doctor today and I asked him how come every time I have sex my eyes hurt.
He said that’s a common reaction to pepper spray.
"Monica Lewinsky has gone down on Bill Clinton several times. What's stopping her from having a one-night stand with Donald Trump?"
"Trump is nothing more than a little pussy, don't ya know?"