Every time I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.
There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, so I unplug them.
Time Jokes
Why are people in Japan so thin?
Because it didn't end well the last time a Fat Man was there.
What is the best joke of all time?
Feminism.
Say "urine egger" five times fast.
Your ma is so slow, it took her 9 months to make a joke.
why are people in japan so slim? because the last time a fatman came, they lost half their population.
Why does Japan not allow little boys to run?
Because the last time a little boy came, Japan lost a state.
Why did the rapper sit on the clock?
He wanted to keep it real with TIME.
If you've spent less time inside your mother than your father has, you just might be from Alabama!
I used to think 11/11 was mistakenly 9/11.
Me traveling back in time to tell Americans there will be a big tsunami on 9/11/2001, and to survive it they have to climb the two tallest buildings in New York.
How many times does 50 fit into 9?
Get in a van and find out!
It's a little known fact that Helen Keller was against teaching deaf people sign language and thought they should be forced to use oral language.
Weird.
Last time I forced somebody into oral, I got arrested.
Why did the parachute break up with the skydiver?
Because it was tired of being taken for granted every time things fell apart.
Why did the rapper bring a clock to the concert?
Because he wanted to spit BARS on time.
Your dad is so f**king fat that when he bends over and comes back up, it's the next day.
Why does the president take so long to deliver each sentence?
He’s just Biden his time.
Why can’t you take an Asian guy golfing? Because you can’t drive. Every time he does, he tries to put a hole-in-one.
A guy is sitting at a bar when a drunk man walks up to him, calling his mom a whore. The guy just ignores it and stays in his spot drinking his beer. An hour goes by and the drunk man comes back saying, "Your mom is a whore!" The guy sitting looks around the bar, sees people staring and says, "Don't worry, everything is cool here," and shrugs it off. After a few more shots, the drunk man walks up a third time and says, "Your mom... is such... a whore!" The guy finally gets mad, throws his fist on the table and says, "You know what? Go home Dad!"
Doctor: "I'm sorry, but you suffer from a terminal illness and only have 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean 10? 10 what? months? weeks?"
Doctor: "9, 8, 7..."