One time my dad was an orphan, so I questioned where he learned to parent.
Why did the person get fired from the calendar factory?
Because they took a day off.
I’ve been munching away on these new Tic Tacs recently and honestly, they are really good.
It’s a little strange how they came in a bottle labeled “Ibuprofen” though, and really, I’m starting to feel a little sick. The bottle’s almost empty though, so it’s time to get some more!
You know I wish life was shorter?
I want it over.
Did you hear about the woman who put her husband’s ashes in a burrito?
He gets to tear that ass up one more time.
How is a priest like a wristwatch?
They both start at 12.
Why did the rapper wear a watch to the studio?
Because it was all about the TIMING.
Israel and Palestine jokes are hard at these times.
It’s all about execution.
You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.
What should we want?
Racecars.
When should we want them?
NEOWWWWWWWWWWWM!
Straight people ask why gays have such a good fashion sense.
They have to come out of the closet sometime.
Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock? Because it's so time-consuming.
Why was 2019 afraid of 2020?
Because they had a fight, and 2021.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.
Which days are the strongest?
Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
What’s one thing you can say during family dinner and in bed?
"Will there be seconds?"
What do you call an orphan’s family reunion?
Me time.
Is your name winter? Because you’ll be cumming soon.
Why are 9/11 victims the fastest readers in the world?
Because they went through 90 stories in just 10 seconds!
