You know I wish life was shorter?
I want it over.
You know I wish life was shorter?
I want it over.
Did you hear about the woman who put her husband’s ashes in a burrito?
He gets to tear that ass up one more time.
How is a priest like a wristwatch?
They both start at 12.
Why did the rapper wear a watch to the studio?
Because it was all about the TIMING.
Israel and Palestine jokes are hard at these times.
It’s all about execution.
You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.
What should we want?
Racecars.
When should we want them?
NEOWWWWWWWWWWWM!
Straight people ask why gays have such a good fashion sense.
They have to come out of the closet sometime.
What’s one thing you can say during family dinner and in bed?
"Will there be seconds?"
What do you call an orphan’s family reunion?
Me time.
What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke? Timing.
My lesbian neighbors and my sister gave me a Rolex for my birthday. I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanted a watch.
What did Chris Brown say the first time he saw Rihanna?
I’d hit that.