Time jokes
Michael Jackson was on a boat with a bunch of children. The boat captain comes up to him and says, "Michael, we've come into some trouble and the boat is about to sink. We need to get off the boat right now." "But what about the children?" The captain said, "F*** them." Michael Jackson responded, "Is there enough time?"
They call me Mr. Distracted, truly a spastic. Can't talk to my folks cause they say I'm pro- problematic. Really fantastic. Can't focus unless I take meds then it's magic. My brain is like traffic, always fucking active. But never at the right time, pretty fucking tragic it happens.
Explain Bear teaches us that explaining the joke makes it a billion times funnier.
What do Israel and Epstein have in common?
"Look at that, time to blow up some kids."
Your hairline goes so far back that it has no records of it happening in history.
Your hairline goes so back that it’s ingrained in history.
What vegetable is good for your memory? A carrot, because the last time I had one shoved up my ass, I never forgot about it.
What's the difference between a joke and a tragedy? Timing.
What has 2 or 3 hands and is always right twice a day when it is broken?
A clock.
My first time sex was like buying my first used, crappy car.
I didn't want it, but Dad gave it to me anyway.
A vagina is like the weather. Once it’s wet, it’s time to go inside.
You ever try sexting with AI? Every time I type “I’m coming,” it replies, “Coming where? Need directions?”
Why is it that every time I masturbate, things get out of hand?
What does a burnt pizza, cold beer, and a pregnant woman have in common?
Someone didn’t pull it out in time.
A teenage boy decides to go see a hooker for the first time and asks his experienced uncle for some tips.
"Uncle, what should I do about the hooker name? Should I ask her real name or should I come up with a name for her myself?"
"Kid, I've been fucking hookers for 20 years and I didn't even know they had names."
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One’s a Good Year, the other’s a great year.
What’s the difference between a man and a margarita?
A margarita hits the spot every time.
There were four men eating dinner on the Titanic when it hit the iceberg.
The waiter said, "We have to get to the lifeboats!"
The teacher said, "What about the kids?"
The lawyer said, "Fuck the kids."
The priest said, "Do you think we'll have time?"
What’s the difference between a man and a margarita?
A margarita hits the spot every time.
What goes up but never comes down? Your age. You have probably heard this joke before.