So one time I was with my girlfriend, crazy, right? But we were doing a TikTok eye follow challenge, and she pulled up a pic of Gwen Stacy from Into the Spider-Verse, and I looked somewhere I shouldn’t have, and she smacked me, and I changed to the Rock, and you know where she looked? WTF, right in the no-no square, and since she was a girl, all I could do was sit back and watch.
Time Jokes
What kind of rape victim has a shower ten times a day?
The type that gets raped a lot.
How do you know if a rapist loves you?
He will rape you many times.
Your hairline is so far back, it was in a different time zone on a flight with you.
Yo mama so lazy that she didn’t give birth to you until you were 15.
Every time my cousin and I, we settle it out with our game, so we play rock paper scissors. 😂🤣🤣
I could tell my cousin you are so annoying, but she told me first, so we both said it at the same time. 🫣🤣😂
Yo mama so old that she knew "The Outsiders" when they were "The Insiders."
My friend in a wheelchair is autistic and tried to fight me, so I said: "If you wanna fight me, I'll run up the stairs, and by the time you get up the stairs, I'll already be down the stairs waiting," and he started crying.
Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!
Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*
Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.
Your hairline goes even further back than the last time your parents said "I love you."
Yo mama is so old that she was born on the first day the universe existed.
What is the difference between you and a calendar?
A calendar has dates.
Me and your hairline go way back, years and years.
Your hairline and forehead must be friends, because they go way back further than the universe.
True story: In 1986, in the midst of the HIV epidemic, they made condoms available to the public. At that time, me and my boyfriend were 13 years old. My boyfriend was so happy: "These will make great water balloons!" And I was even happier. I did not have to pack a lunch for school tomorrow, lol.
Me: I been up all night, no sleep--
The lie detector I didn’t know I had: Lie.
Me: stfu! I’m just singing!
Lie detector: You literally listen to music all the time... you almost don’t even sleep!
Me: THEN WHY THE FUCK DID TOU SAY IT’S A LIE, WHEN I SAID I DIDN’T SLEEP?!
Lie detector: It’s 3:00 AM in 8 minutes, you usually close your eyes to sleep when it’s 5:00 AM... You get waken up at 7:00 AM... you only sleep two hours......
Why was 10 scared?
Because it was in the middle of 9 and 11.
Why is it okay for a woman to use me when she feels like it, but when I use her body when I feel like it, I am the bad guy?
When you're 34, it'll be 420 months before you turn 69 years old.
