They're jokes
An ugly, arrogant woman walked into a store with her 2 kids, yelling at them.
The store clerk pleasantly said, "Good morning ma'am and welcome. Nice children, are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling and said, "Hell no they are not, one is 9 and the other is 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just bloody stupid?"
The clerk replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid ma'am, I just can't believe someone would screw you twice."
Why do vegetarians give good head?
Because they’re used to eating nuts.
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts,' which, on one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
Trees are so social. They're always branching out.
Person 1: Stop making suicidal jokes!
Person 2: Okay, okay, I’ll cut it out.
Person 1: Really?
Person 2: They're not even that deep.
Memes
What's the difference between a hamster and a cigarette?
They're both harmless until you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.
Are you enjoying my yolks? I bet they're making you crack up. If not, I better scramble.
Someone broke into my house and took my anti-depressants... I hope they're happy now.
A girl and her brother are walking in their garden. POV: Brother. Sister: "Why are you cutting those flowers?"
Brother: "Because they're beautiful!"
Sister: "I thought you said you cut yourself because you aren't."
Brother:......
A lion, Johnny Depp, and a hockey player from Nashville all have one thing in common.
They're all Predators!
You want some dead batteries? They're free of charge.
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can't unscrew a pregnant woman.
What's a similarity between a broken lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
They're both accidents.
Why don't black people go on cruises? They're not falling for that one again.
Me: I asked an orphan where his parents were. I also said that I promised to take him to them.
Orphan: They're dead.
Me: A promise made is a promise kept.
Them: You want some Lucky Harms?
Me: What are Lucky Harms?
Them: They're Lucky Charms, but instead of being magically delicious, they're magically malicious.
I'm jealous of my LED lights, 'cause they're hanging from the ceiling and I'm not.
Q: What does a dead prostitute and a swimming pool have in common?
A: They're both cold when you first get in, but warm up after a few strokes.
A woman is on the edge of a bridge, about to commit suicide, when a strange man comes up to her.
"Tell me, why do you wish to end your life?" he asks in a booming but gentle voice.
"My children died last year in a car crash, I'm battling depression, my husband left me, and I lost my job," she sobs. "I don't wish to live anymore."
The man mulls this over, and proclaims, "I will solve all your problems, as I am a wizard and possess unfathomable abilities. However, you must grant me a blowjob first."
The delighted woman readily agrees, takes him below the bridge, and fulfills his request. After they're done, he asks, "How old are you?"
"37," she replies, wiping her mouth.
"You're 37 and you still believe in wizards?"
What do painters and prostitutes have in common?
They're both paid for a good finish.
Why is the lesbian lifestyle so expensive? -- They're always eating out.
... and they buy Rolexes for their neighbors, because they wanna watch.