That jokes

Did you know that Uranus is as big as the moon?

I went to the dam to take the dam tour, but the dam tour guide told me there wasn't going to be a dam tour that day. So I was thirsty and I wanted some dam water, but the dam man wouldn't give me any dam water, so I told the dam man to keep his dam water.

I'm glad I'm not a pornstar... that would be pretty sucky.

What do you call a cow that eats grass?

A lawn mooer.

I was walking down the street when I saw this dude just vibing. He was telling every guy that walked by if his dick was bigger than theirs, they have to give him 50 bucks.

Long story short, I walked away with 100 bucks that day.

Friend 1: I don't want to jump.

Friend 2: Me neither.

Murderer: If you don't jump, I'll stab you.

Friend 1: *jumps*

Friend 2: *jumps*

Murderer: I didn't mean off the building!

Friend 1: I know that. I just pretended to jump to get rid of that guy.

So Americans strongly worship Donald Trump, eh? Well, let's put that claim to the test by throwing him into the general population of Rikers Island.

What did the dalmatian dog say after he finished his meal?

"That hit the spot?"

Why do kids like Michael Jackson so much?

Because he's made out of plastic, and that's what toys are made out of! 😂

My sister said the onion is the only vegetable that can make you cry...

So I threw a carrot at her.

An American is touring the Soviet Union. A Russian takes him to a school so he can see what it's like. He asks the kids if they like the Soviet Union. All of the kids say yes, they love it. All but one. That kid bursts out crying. The American asks what's wrong, and he cries, "I want to live in the Soviet Union!"

My young son saw Trump on TV. He asked, "Why is the man on TV painted orange?" I replied, "Son, when Russia pays that much for equipment, they don't want it to rust."

I may not be as "rich" as Donald Trump, but at least I am still allowed to go on holiday to Bali, Niagara Falls, Hong Kong, and the Pyramids of Giza.

Orange Jesus can't travel to these places because these places cannot grant entry to felons.

...ah, who am I kidding? It's likely that Trump is going to prison, anyway.

A blonde walks in and says, "I want to buy that TV."

The seller says, "I don't sell to blondes."

The blonde comes back the next day with brown hair and says, "I want to buy that TV."

The seller says, "I don't sell to blondes."

The blonde comes back the next day with brown hair and says, "I want to buy that TV."

The seller says, "I don't sell to blondes."

The blonde asks, "That's it, how'd you know I was a blonde?"

The seller replies, "Because that's a microwave."

A kid has an older brother that’s a very popular lifeguard. He sees all of the people that talk to his brother, but he’s fairly ignored. So one day he asks his brother why everyone likes him so much. His older brother says, “Well, all you gotta do is stick a potato in your pocket.” So the next day the boy goes back to the pool and he has a potato in his pocket, but everyone is avoiding him even more now. At the end of the day he goes up to his brother and asks why it didn’t work, and his brother says, “Dumbass, you were supposed to put it in the front!”

Did you know that Americans fall out of both sides of the bed?

The only difference between my grandma and the Twin Towers is that they collapsed faster than my grandma.

Hey girl, do you like Harry Potter?

Because I want to wingardium leviosa up that skirt, alohamora those legs open, and aqua erupto inside of your leaky cauldron.

So you know those people that commit suicide by hanging themselves? I guess they lost Hangman.

Today I found out that my cat got hit by a car accident. Well, I guess I'm gonna play ninja fruits on my hands again. It's not like anyone will notice.