That jokes
Don’t criticize someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.
So, when you criticize them, they won’t be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you’ll have their shoes.
I got so drunk with the guys yesterday that when the Uber driver asked how many drinks I had, I said, "Yes."
A: Why are you so sad?
B: I was watching porn, and all of a sudden my wife opened the door.
A: Ok, I see, but is that really such a big deal?
B: I mean, she opened the door in the movie!
Was invited to the inauguration of an I-pad.
We were all ready to begin the event. I was supposed to cut the ribbons, but before I could do that, Penaldo jumped outta nowhere and shouted, "I DON'T WANT I-PAD, I ONLY WANT TO STATPAD!"
Shame on Penaldo for ruining the event! 😡
What's the worst thing that can happen to schools?
Quiet kids.
Ever seen the show Naked and Afraid? That’s what I call hide-and-seek with my uncle.
Grandpa: "Sonny, let me tell you something. There's only one damn thing in this whole world worse than Alzheimer's."
Boy: "What's that?"
Grandpa: "What's what?"
So yesterday, I was at an orphanage, harassing children by twerking at them.
They burst into tears.
I was worried that they would call their mom, well... um... I got away.
A little girl was sitting with some other kids. She thought to herself, "I want to have kids when I'm older, at least they’ll have a home, parents, and hopefully a dad that actually came back with the milk!" 🤣😂
Yo mama so fat that Will Smith could slap her from a mile away.
My dad and I were fishing one day.
That’s where he met my stepmom.
It is reported that when Churchill met Stalin at Yalta, they discussed their hobbies.
Churchill said: "I collect the jokes people tell me about me."
"That's a coincidence," said Stalin, "I collect the people who tell jokes about me."
What do you call a warrior that's going to bed?
A knight knight.
I took a pole today. 100% of the people in the tent were unhappy that it collapsed.
My boy, I think it is about time that I leave this world. Now draw your weapon and kill me now!
*draws a picture of his "epic" sword*
"What... WHAT... WTH ARE YOU DOING SIMPLETON? I DIDN'T MEAN THAT KIND OF DRAW!"
I brought a new pen that can write underwater. It can also write other words.
What do you call a Mexican that lost his car?
Carlos.
Oh, Lois, that was more scary than Michael Jackson without pants in front of a kid!
My (at the time) boyfriend told our chemistry teacher that blood is corrosive to steel.
Anyways, my sharpener isn’t working because the blade has been too badly damaged from something else...
I think it’s dumb that people say a woman belongs in the kitchen.
How else is the rest of the house going to get cleaned?