That jokes

"I'm sorry, Wendy, but I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die."

Did you hear about the two burglars that stole a calendar?

I hear they got six months each.

I said to my wife that she's so ugly that she threw a boomerang and it never came back.

I went to the aquarium this weekend, but I didn’t stay long. There’s something fishy about that place.

Why do orphans hate geometry? Cuz it reminds them that their parents are poley-gone.

Yo mama so stupid, your mama thinks that VR is real life.

Why isn’t the word “orphan” spelled with an “f” instead of “ph?” Because that “f” stands for “family,” and the word “orphan” doesn’t have a family.

What is the difference between the human and a tree and a house that has to walk home and walk walk home from school? Was your name in your house? I did not have any good time for dinner today, but I did have a good night's sleep.

One day, there are friends having fun.

Hours later, one of the friends, Alice, wanted to leave and said, "Cya guys, I'm just gonna hang in the tree and have some fresh air."

And they all agree.

Hours go by, and the group of friends are ready to go home, but then they see a tree in the distance that looks like someone is hanging on the tree with a tight rope.

You must have been born on a highway because that's where most accidents happen.

Ok, ok, ooh, I'm so lit right now.

Your life is so boring, why you sleepin' on me? I can hear you snorin'. Aye, I'm so lit right now, my diamonds on that lit lit. Why don't you just get up? Aye, yeah, get him 'cause I'm awake, boy. Ooh, I'm so lit right now, your life is so boring, why you sleepin' on me? I can hear you snorin'. Aye, I'm so lit right now, my diamonds on that lit lit. Why don't you just get up? Aye, yeah, get him 'cause I'm awake, boy. Ok, ok, ooh, I'm so lit right now, your life is so boring, why you sleepin' on me? I can hear you snorin'. Aye, I'm so lit right now, my diamonds on that lit lit. Why don't you just get up? Aye, yeah, get him 'cause I'm awake, boy.

My dad told me a story today. His mom, my grandma, said if a bird gets in your house, someone will die.

That day, a hummingbird got in his UPS truck, and that’s the day he found out that my grandma had cancer. 😭😭😭😭😭 6 weeks later, she died. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Did you hear about the TikTok post that offended disabled people? Some didn't reply because the comment section was disabled.

Did you know that the shovel was a groundbreaking invention?

Fritz Cheng was asked to write three articles on the subject. He went to his grandmother and advised her: "Question: Kill people! I am sorry, Mr. Fritz, I am looking for his brother—what do you suggest?"

Brother: "I'm Superman. I am Superman!"

Fritz remembers entering the room. That's Alfredo's question in front of the TV: "Do you have any advice?"

Fritz tells a story from his school days. "Remember our words?" said Professor Fleck. "An artist? Is that true? Frison, who are you?"

"I am Superman. I'm Superman," he said. "I hope to meet the president."

If a pregnant emo kills herself, is that murder-suicide or just abortion?

What do you call an Irish man that breaks up fights?

Liam Malone.

You're so skinny that the professor thought you were the skeleton.

What do you call a Mexican that lost his car?

Carlos.

Orphan: Shooting gun at shooting range, "I'm out of bullets, got a magazine?"

Guy: That's probably because you're single.