That jokes
There are a lot of things that explode... like cars, boats, the Twin Towers.
People have been telling me that you can get things for free now.
The other day I saw a sign saying "FREE PALESTINE."
I got told I'm too mean and that I need to think before I speak. So now I take a couple minutes and think of what will REALLY piss the other person off.
I don't joke about vegans. That would be tasteless...
I have no beef with them.
I think it’s dumb that people say a woman belongs in the kitchen.
How else is the rest of the house going to get cleaned?
As a scientist, I confirm that you speak too fast. It has a speed of 1 bullshit per second.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalffeinated.
You know the drill, but do you know the hammer? Hah, nailed that one.
But I also think I screwed it up.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, that's a hardware problem.
Race car backwards is race car, but if you turn race car sideways, that’s how Paul Walker got sent to God’s inbox.
- Got myself a bathroom scale so now I know exactly how much I poop.
- Right. So you weigh yourself before and after you poop and calculate the difference? That’s cool.
- Oh...that might actually be even easier.
Boobs are like batteries...
AA will get the job done...
C is bigger than AA...
D is bigger that C...
...and if they're square, you don't want to put your tongue on them!
Your forehead is so big that it's visible on the world map!
Secretly, I’m a woman catfishing gay men on Grindr. When a notification from the app went off, my son told me, “I’ve heard that sound. Daddy has that game, too!”
You're so fat that you only know 3 letters: KFC.
The good thing about being gay in school is that you can be the best student and still get all the D's.
You wanna know proof that cats don't always land on their feet? Well then, watch The Lion King.
What do you call a large lamp that does illicit things to young children?
A Jacko Lantern!
People trying to stop me from being depressed: “Just cheer up!”
Me: “WOW, I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT!”
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine! Lol.