That jokes
- Got myself a bathroom scale so now I know exactly how much I poop.
- Right. So you weigh yourself before and after you poop and calculate the difference? That’s cool.
- Oh...that might actually be even easier.
Race car backwards is race car, but if you turn race car sideways, that’s how Paul Walker got sent to God’s inbox.
School teacher: "Hey kid, why don't you just go home to your family?"
Orphan: "My family never came back for me."
School teacher: "Your daddy must've really needed that milk."
I hope death is a woman That way she'll never look at me twice
Ejaculated in her braces, call that children behind bars.
When you are going back to where you live from a place that is a time zone behind where you live:
"Looks like I am going back to the future!"
Boobs are like batteries...
AA will get the job done...
C is bigger than AA...
D is bigger that C...
...and if they're square, you don't want to put your tongue on them!
What do you call a large lamp that does illicit things to young children?
A Jacko Lantern!
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, that's a hardware problem.
When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead, I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
As a scientist, I confirm that you speak too fast. It has a speed of 1 bullshit per second.
If I send a clown to deliver flowers to my wife...
...is that a romantic jester?
You know the drill, but do you know the hammer? Hah, nailed that one.
But I also think I screwed it up.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalffeinated.
You wanna know proof that cats don't always land on their feet? Well then, watch The Lion King.
You're so fat that you only know 3 letters: KFC.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine! Lol.
Roses are red, pussies are wet, when it goes in he gets upset. She said it's too small, so that's all. But later that day, he wanted to say, "Every time I play, no one complains, so she was just lying." She started flying, went out of her seat, the skirt went up, the greatest of them all. Everyone said, "Fly away big chunky balls."
Seeing one of her students making faces at others in the playground, Mrs. Matthews stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."
The student looked up and replied, "Well, you can’t say you weren’t warned, Mrs. Matthews!"
Jonny went to school one day, and later that day his dad got a call saying he needed to pick up his son because he had had sex with a teacher. When Jonny got home, his dad was so happy he went out to the store and bought him a bike. When they bought the bike, Jonny was offered to ride the bike, but he declined it and replied, "My butt still hurts."