Hey Siri, where is my dad? Your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas. HAH, jokes on you! My dad’s in the kitchen! Your mom’s husband is in the kitchen, your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas. ...WhAT-
Jack and Jill went up the hill to celebrate their marriage.
9 months later they happily had some use for their baby carriage.
2 years later they went up again then their daughter had a brother.
But 1 little secret that no one knew was that Jack and Jill share a mother..
Me: hey do you want to see my grandma. Friend: yeah sure Me: *pulls out gun*
What did the kid without hands get for Christmas? - I don't know, he still didn't open his present...
The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"
Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”
So the Pope slapped him.
One man's trash is another man's treasure.... Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you're adopted
Guys my sisters pregnant!
Im finally a dad!
What's worst then finding 10 babys in 10 dumpsters??
Finding 1 baby in 10 dumpsters
I had a terrifying experience last night. I was alone in the house having a bath.....when all of a sudden.....I felt a tap on my shoulder.
Brother: I bought my brother a trampoline today, the ungrateful fuck just sat in his wheelchair and cried
My friend gave me sugar for my birthday, she thought it was cheap I thought it was pretty sweet
Man looks at his friend and says "if you and a friend go camping and you two get really drunk and in the morning you wake up with a condom in your butt would you tell anyone? " The friend says im a disgusted tone "No" So the man says "ok let's go camping"
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
What are the three worst words to hear while you are having sex?
Honey, I'm home!
my grandad was shocked to learn that lightning can strike in the same place twice.
It’s all fun and games at “take your kid to work day” until you realize your dad is a suicide bomber.
i thought my wife was joking when she said she was gunna leave me because i wouldn’t stop singing “im a believer” but then i saw her face
Tomorrow is Christmas and I'm giving myself a present that I can't wait to open. It's my wrist. (yes this was inspired by a Fallout boy song)
"Son, I found a condom in your room."
"Gee, thanks, Grandpa!"
"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"
"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
I’ll never forget my brother’s last words: “Why is there a revolver in your hand?”
