Tomorrow is Christmas and I'm giving myself a present that I can't wait to open. It's my wrist. (yes this was inspired by a Fallout boy song)
A seal walks into a club
I was going on a date when I decided to put on Penaldo’s PR7 cologne to smell good. As I put on the cologne, my skin started to turn invisible! I then realized the cologne had made me turn into a ghost 👻. Shame on you Penaldo for ruining my date 😡
That awkward moment when your checking yourself out in the window of a car and you realize there’s somebody inside
Kid: what is the biggest mistake you made in your life. Parents: go look above the bathroom sink *kid goes and looks but then he reilises
Person 1 : "Where was Hiroshima?" Person 2 "In Japan" Person 1 "No wonder! That's why they never saw it coming."
What do teen mothers and their unborn babies have in common?
They're both thinking "Oh my God, my mom's gonna kill me!"
I was digging a hole in the garden untill i found some coins! I was about to tell my mum when I remembered i was digging a hole in the garden.
I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. -- I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
My wife wanted a present that could go from Zero to 80 very quickly.
So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.
Jack and jill went up a hill so Jack could eat her candy. But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of c*** because Jills real name is Randy
I met this girl at a bar and started doing her from behind. Everything was great until she turned and said "My turn!".
All of these jokes are so dark, I'm surprised cops haven't shot them.
My mom told me a joke she made 13 years ago but ahe didnt tell me what it was........anyways im turning 14 next month.
It’s only rape
If she finds out.
I took an hour long shower, the german officers were looking at me kinda scared.
Me: Stepping on a scale to weigh myself. Everyone else in the minefield...
Girls are like valcanoes.
You never know when they will erupt.
I told my mother i wanted a brother for Christmas The next day i saw her in the strip club across the street
How do you throw a surprise party at a hospital?
Bring a strobe light into the epilepsy ward.
