So one day I was walking home from school with my best friend sally. She was worried to get home because she was going to tell her mom that bob the class rep got her pregnant a eight months ago and now it was obvious she was pregnant. So I said “sally it’ll be ok I’m sure she’ll be happy to get a grandson” “yeah thanks suzy” she said to me then went into her house. The next few weeks she didn’t show up to school so I was like oh she must be in trouble with her mom I’ll go check on her So I walk up to her house and her mom answers with a baby boy in her hands “oh hello. Is that Sally’s son!! Can I see sally?” Her mom says sure and I go inside but she leads me to the backyard and I see a tombstone “here lies sally 2004-2020” so I ask her mom in tears “oh did she not make it through the birth?” And her mom replied “you could say that..”
So my friends birthday was coming up, so I got him a new box to live in.
On my 21st Birthday my mom told me I got a nice birthday present for you. As the son and only child your going to to get something good and something you been looking forward to is what my mom said. Me my mom and my on;y friend celebrate my Birthday then we all went to sleep I woke up the next day I ask hey where my gift you said you got me. My mom said since your father left us you have have no father figure in your life. So this is your new step father the only thing it was my only friend.
One weekend some distant family members that I hadn't met before came over. My cousins (who I also hadn't met before) were fighting, so I decided to separate them and place them in opposite corners of the room (thinking it would help).
My mom took me to an empty room with tears in her eyes, and told me they both ended up dying.
Well, SO-RRY but I didnt know they're conjoined twins.
A turtle was walking down the street when all of a sudden a snail came up to him and robbed him. When the policemen showed up and asked him what happened, he responded '' I don't know it all happened so fast''.
It was Christmas time for Little Johnny. He was going to make some cookies and milk for Santa until he heard shaking and moaning from his mother's bedroom. He thinks, "Meh, Dad's probably back from the grocery store". But 2 seconds later, he heard a "Ho Ho Ho Oh YEAH" and then a slap. He opens the door. He finds Santa riding on his 19 yr old mom. He asks, "Santa, when did you get here and WHAT are you doing?". Santa replied, "Your mother asked for her 'milk jar' to be filled, and that's what I am doing." Johnny says, "Oh." "But, Mom, you told me Dad was here, well where is he?"
(Santa winks at you)
One day, little Johnny was playing with his toys and looked out the window. He saw the neighbor's kid laying face-first in the grass. Not breathing. Little Johnny continued to shoot his nerf gun at the neighbor's big booty cheeks. No movement at all. After little johnny went to get a snack, he looked out the window again and the kid was gone. Little Johnny went to the neighbors and said, "I'm sorry to hear that your child has gone missing."
Sadly blind jokes are cruel. A kid at my school was punched the other day for being blind
Sadly he didn't see it coming
Kidnapping is just surprise adoption, congrats! You are now all my children! Just hop into the portal that leads to the Lust ring in hell-
I walk in from work to find my wife dead on the sofa. As I unzip for one last ride she says BOO! What kind of sick fuck does that?
Guess what I got from my uncle this Christmas. -herpes
sally has no arms. what did she get for Christmas? idk she hasn't opened it yet.
What did the pretty young pre-pubescent 14 year old boy say when he got a homosexual peadophile for Christmas?
He said he was awfully touched!!!!
there was a animal on my porch then i shot in the head it was strange that it had coffee in its hand, i flipped it over and it was an animal but it looked a lot like my kid.
We have some leak in the fridge, I'm surprised nobody has called a plumber.
I took my son to a drivers school and am surprised because he got his license but soon lost the privilege to drive a car because he ran over my ex on "accident" (I gotta go pay him out of jail)
I told my mom I'm happy and she said: "I didn't know you were gay."
Life is like a box of chocolates it doesn’t last long for people
Was drinking in a bar with this girl when I suddenly blacked out. The next morning I received a letter saying they are processing my child benefits application, dafaq I never had kids
