I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine. Apparently I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.
My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette. Blew his mind.
Jack and jill popped some pills to get a little tipsy Jack got a surprise and blood shot eyes because jill gave him a roofie
Hey Siri, where is my dad? Your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas. HAH, jokes on you! My dad’s in the kitchen! Your mom’s husband is in the kitchen, your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas. ...WhAT-
Jack and Jill went up the hill to celebrate their marriage.
9 months later they happily had some use for their baby carriage.
2 years later they went up again then their daughter had a brother.
But 1 little secret that no one knew was that Jack and Jill share a mother..
Me: hey do you want to see my grandma. Friend: yeah sure Me: *pulls out gun*
One man's trash is another man's treasure.... Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you're adopted
What's worst then finding 10 babys in 10 dumpsters??
Finding 1 baby in 10 dumpsters
Guys my sisters pregnant!
Im finally a dad!
I had a terrifying experience last night. I was alone in the house having a bath.....when all of a sudden.....I felt a tap on my shoulder.
Brother: I bought my brother a trampoline today, the ungrateful fuck just sat in his wheelchair and cried
My friend gave me sugar for my birthday, she thought it was cheap I thought it was pretty sweet
Man looks at his friend and says "if you and a friend go camping and you two get really drunk and in the morning you wake up with a condom in your butt would you tell anyone? " The friend says im a disgusted tone "No" So the man says "ok let's go camping"
What did the kid without hands get for Christmas? - I don't know, he still didn't open his present...
It’s all fun and games at “take your kid to work day” until you realize your dad is a suicide bomber.
my grandad was shocked to learn that lightning can strike in the same place twice.
I’ll never forget my brother’s last words: “Why is there a revolver in your hand?”
"Son, I found a condom in your room."
"Gee, thanks, Grandpa!"
"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"
"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
What are the three worst words to hear while you are having sex?
Honey, I'm home!
i thought my wife was joking when she said she was gunna leave me because i wouldn’t stop singing “im a believer” but then i saw her face
