I was watching my boyfriends dog while he took a shower. I started playing fetch with the him when the ball went over the balcony. He went to get it and fell 10 stories. When i looked down, he appeared to be dead. My boyfriend loved his dog and I didn't know what to do ,so feeling awful, I sat on the couch and waiting for him to come back. About three minutes later he got out of the shower. He ordered some food and went to the table to eat when I said ,”you know , your dogs been a little depressed lately...”
My mom told me a joke she made 13 years ago but ahe didnt tell me what it was........anyways im turning 14 next month.
Girls are like valcanoes.
You never know when they will erupt.
Me: Stepping on a scale to weigh myself. Everyone else in the minefield...
I took an hour long shower, the german officers were looking at me kinda scared.
I told my mother i wanted a brother for Christmas The next day i saw her in the strip club across the street
After watching Star Wars 8, I have to say Snoke was half the man I expected him to be.
I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday. I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Little Timmy wanted to take a shower with his dad. His dad said don't look down. Timmy looked down. Timmy said "What's that?". Timmy's dad said "that's Mr.wiggles". Timmy wanted to take a shower with his mom. Timmy's mom said don't look down. Timmy looked down. Timmy said "What's that?". Timmy's mom said "that's my garden". Timmy's mom said don't look up. Timmy looked up. Timmy said "What are those?". Timmy's mom said those are her headlights. Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents. His parents said don't look under the covers. Timmy looked under the covers. Timmy yelled "MOMMY, MOMMY, MR.WIGGLES IS ATTACKING YOUR GARDEN! TURN ON YOUR HEADLIGHTS!"
Kidnapping is just surprise adoption.
Parents: "OH! honey, we were just wrestling!"
Little Johnny: "OK! I'll join you!"
one day I was walking around, then saw this mom mad at her kid and screamed " YoUr AdOpTeD!" he said "yeah I know my REAL mommy is still at home with daddy."
How can you surprise someone who is blind?
Leave a plunger in the toilet.
Knock knock. Who’s there? A boy. A boy who? A boy who can’t reach the doorbell knocking at your door.
When I see lover's names carved on a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
A man comes home and hears her wife talking about having sex at the club, the man busts into the club with a revolver and says "WHO TF FUCKED MY WIFE" well everyone looks over and is quiet, and someone in the back says "mate you don't have enough bullets"
Bill gets home from work late again, and Susan is angry. She hollars at Bill, "I AM FURIOUS. WHEN I GO OUTSIDE TOMORROW THERE BETTER BE SOMETHING THAT GOES FROM 0 to 200 IN 6 SECONDS". Bill Says, "Ok". The next morning there is a box outside! Susan opens it..It's a scale! Bill hasn't been seen since October 2, 2002.
Michael Jackson and Kelly Clarkson both did shady stuff to children. Michael Jackson said that there is nothing wrong with sharing a bed with unrelated small children. Kelly Clarkson said that there is nothing wrong with physically beating a small child.
The thing is, though, only one of them made Billie Jean or Beat It, and the other is just a typical karaoke country singer. So no surprise people gave Wacko Jacko a pass.
“I bought my little sister a trampoline for her birthday but all she wants to do is sit in her wheelchair and cry”
My girlfiends a porn star
She kill me if she found out
