Surprise jokes

*New teacher walks in* New Teacher: Hi there, class. My name is Mr. Willy. I will be your math teacher.

*Me in shock, "Willy"* Me: Willy Wonka, is that you?

My sister and I were hanging out when she opened her drawer and pulled out 3 condoms and said, "Pick one."

What do a 14 year old and the fetus inside her both think?

"Man, my mom's going to kill me!"

If I was going to the doctor, he asked me to turn around, and he stuck a nettle in my ass.

Had an amazing night with this girl, woke up, and it was my aunt. Now I’m in love.

A guy told a beautiful girl, "Hey, I want to make love to you. If I throw $2000 when you go to pick it up, that's when I'll go. Is that okay?"

She called her husband, and he said, "Okay, but pick it up fast so he doesn't have time to pull his pants down."

Four hours later, she shows up to her house and tells her husband, "THAT FUCKER PAID IN COINS!"

I'm surprised that the tree is still standing when my emo friend is hanging from it.

I got banana nut bread for you.

Oh no, the nuts are missing!

Oh, I found them!

You know where they are?

UP YOUR BUTTHOLE!

What do cannibals think when they see a pregnant woman?

"Kinder Egg surprise."

Ayo, the pizza here-

OH N*GGA!!

It's not surprising there isn't a whole lot of good tree jokes.

Most foresters have a wooden personality.

Girl: Mom, meet my boyfriend.

Mom: Meet my boyfriend.

Girl's boyfriend: Dad, is that you? Are you back from the supermarket with milk?

Mom's boyfriend: Uh, gtg.

Today, I saw my friend go crazy eating her ham sandwich. When she went to the bathroom, I checked inside her ham sandwich, and there were fresh drugs.

My sister says I’m annoying, or that’s what I read in her diary.

Was drinking in a bar with this girl when I suddenly blacked out. The next morning I received a letter saying they are processing my child benefits application, dafaq? I never had kids.

There was an orphan once, and someone knocks on his door and said, "Hello, son, come and hug me." But the orphan says, "Excuse me, who are you?" and the guy says, "You don't remember me? I'm your dad." And then the orphan says, "Fine then, if you're really my dad, come inside and let me ask you some questions." And the man says, "OK then, but I am really your dad." Then the orphan asked some questions to the man, and the man gets some of them right, so the orphan believes that the man is his dad. And then the orphan says, "You really are my dad?" and then he shows his dad his house, and the orphan has a roommate, and the dad and the orphan finally get to the bedroom, and then the dad knocks out the orphan, and then the dad starts to have something with the orphan/son, and the roommate hears weird noises in the orphan's/son's room, and he walks in and sees them having sex, and the roommate records it but then kicks the dad out of the house, and then the roommate shares the video to the orphan's school chat, and then the next day the dad gets arrested because he was actually a gay nonce, and everybody at the orphan's school calls him gay, but he really isn't, but since he was mad and disgusted, he pulled an AK47 out of his bag and kills everybody in the school and was never seen again.

Btw this is a joke so don't take it seriously.

What's the difference between me and you?

Nothing, the fudge you expected ni-

I told my mom I'm happy and she said: "I didn't know you were gay."

I'll never forget my mother's last words: "What are you doing with that sledgehammer?"

How do you throw a surprise party at a hospital? Bring a strobe light into the epilepsy ward.