It’s all fun and games at “take your kid to work day” until you realize your dad is a suicide bomber.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she was gonna leave me because I wouldn’t stop singing “I'm a believer,” but then I saw her face.
Tomorrow is Christmas, and I'm giving myself a present that I can't wait to open. It's my wrist. (Yes, this was inspired by a Fall Out Boy song.)
"Son, I found a condom in your room."
"Gee, thanks, Grandpa!"
"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"
"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
I encountered a milf at a bar last night. Although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and sexy.
We were drinking, chatting, laughing, and having a good time.
Then, she asked me flirtatiously,
"Have you ever tried a mother-daughter threesome before?"
I said, "Nope, not yet."
She drank a little more, and said, "Well, darling, tonight is your lucky night."
So she took me to her place.
She took out her keys, opens her door, turns on the light, and she yells towards upstairs,
"Mom, are you still awake?"
I'll never forget my brother's last words: "Why is there a revolver in your hand?"
Me: Brings in missing child.
Police: OMG this kid has been missing for 3 months. Here is your reward.
Me: Oh, cool.
NEXT DAY
Me: Brings in 8 other kids.
Police :0 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't get this. Why is it I go to an orphanage and all of a sudden they said I used to be the cutest baby there?
It's no surprise Donald Trump moved to Florida. That's where the oranges are.
I will never forget my grandfather's last words: “The fuck you doing with that knife?”
I was going on a date when I decided to put on Penaldo’s PR7 cologne to smell good. As I put on the cologne, my skin started to turn invisible!
I then realized the cologne had made me turn into a ghost 👻. Shame on you, Penaldo, for ruining my date 😡!
What's the hardest part of running through a field of dead babies?
My boner.
That awkward moment when you're checking yourself out in the window of a car and you realize there's somebody inside.
Little Jimmy asked his mom if he could take a bath with her since he was scared of being alone. She said, "Sure, just don't look up." He looked up and said, "Woah, what are those?" She replied, "Those are just headlights." He looked down and said, "What is that?" She said, "That's just a bush." The next day, mommy wasn't home, so he asked to take a shower with his papa instead. He said, "Okay, but don't look up." He looked up and said, "Woah, what is that?" His papa replied, "That's just a snake." Later that night, he asked to sleep with his parents. They said, "Okay, just don't look under the covers." After a while, he grew bored and went under the covers. Jimmy screamed, "Mom, turn on the headlights, the snake is in the bush!"
Dr. Fauci would be surprised to know that R. Kelly didn't catch COVID-19.
But since COVID is 19, it's too old for him.
Kid: What is the biggest mistake you made in your life?
Parents: Go look above the bathroom sink.
Kid goes and looks, but then he realizes.
One day I told my wife that she drew her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
billie: hi.
me: You wanna hear a story?
billie: Yes, sure.
me: Once upon a time, I ran over your dog last night.
Two brothers play on the street. One of them finds a condom on the ground. Not knowing what it is, they go to their mum and ask what it is that they found. Mum gets mad and yells to throw that away immediately.
Guys go back to the yard, surprised why their mum got mad for just latex. One of them says: "Why did mum get so angry?" The other: "I have no idea, thankfully we did not tell her that we've eaten the yogurt inside!"
I was in Alabama last year. I walked into a store and noticed a couple kissing each other, and I said, "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?" The man said, "Right over there." I went into the bathroom and then heard the girl say, "Dad, I have to go to school soon."
