Someone's jokes

What do you call it when someone lies to Panera Bread?

Panera misled.

What do you call it when Panera Bread decapitates someone?

Panera Behead.

When I bring someone breakfast in bed, I want to hear a thank you. And no, “What are you doing in my house?”

If a pregnant lady murders someone, does the child get an assist?

Why did the orphans go to the church?

Because they need someone to call "father."

Mom: I'm going to the shop. If someone is at the door, don't open it.

Me: Ok.

*Ring*

Me: Opens the door.

Oh sh*t!

Mom: Gets flip flop.

Be grateful:

You're missing work today because in the past, someone cared enough to leave that banana peel on the stairs.

If I had a coin for every time someone said, "If I had a coin," I'd still be living paycheck to paycheck.

Me: I finished a book with 100 pages.

Someone else: How was it?

Me: It's a long story.

Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart.

I made sure it didn't outsmart me.

If you want to punch someone, just punch an orphan. What are they gonna do, tell their parents?

Yo mama so fat when someone asked her to touch her chin, she asked, "Which one?"

What do you call someone who fixes walls?

Juan, probably.

Ever heard of account stealing?

Ever heard of someone by the name of "#SHUT THE HELL UP GWEN DON'T EVEN DATE PRINCE ON FACE BOOK!!!!!!!! I HATE IT WHEN UR HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"?

Chuck Norris strangled someone with a cordless phone.

I made an advent calendar for a Jehovah’s Witness.

Behind every door someone tells you to fuck off.

Why are Nepalese bad at chess?

Because someone already killed their king!

Sometimes I look at someone I hate and think, "I hope you get laid tonight."

By a tweaker with AIDS.

How do you make a body disappear?

You use an axe, black plastic bags, a forest, a shovel, and some ice cream because killing someone and chopping them up and digging holes in the ground and putting dirt over them is a lot of hard work!

P.S., I'm joking and don't condone these actions.

Go up to someone and say, "I'm sorry for your loss," and see what they do.