Someone's jokes
Someone said to me when it was winter it[’]s time for you to “chill out.” I was like 👁👄👁
Me: I finished a book with 100 pages.
Someone else: How was it?
Me: It's a long story.
Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart.
I made sure it didn't outsmart me.
If I had a coin for every time someone said, "If I had a coin," I'd still be living paycheck to paycheck.
Mom: I'm going to the shop. If someone is at the door, don't open it.
Me: Ok.
*Ring*
Me: Opens the door.
Oh sh*t!
Mom: Gets flip flop.
Be grateful:
You're missing work today because in the past, someone cared enough to leave that banana peel on the stairs.
What do you call someone who fixes walls?
Juan, probably.
I suggested to my girlfriend that she would look sexier with her hair back.
Apparently, that’s insensitive to someone during chemo.
How is [someone] blessed with a 9 inch dick?
That priest is in jail now. Shout out to the church!
If someone calls you fat, just ignore them. You are bigger than that!
Someone told me I looked gay today. I told him that my clothes just came out of the closet this morning.
There was someone who slept late... he missed the dream!
There were four people who went to land... only three returned... Why?
They left someone for memories!
Ever heard of account stealing?
Ever heard of someone by the name of "#SHUT THE HELL UP GWEN DON'T EVEN DATE PRINCE ON FACE BOOK!!!!!!!! I HATE IT WHEN UR HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"?
Yo mama so fat when someone asked her to touch her chin, she asked, "Which one?"
What do you say to someone being cremated? You urned it!
What do you call someone who makes a joke about Bread society?
The Doughker.
What do you call it when Panera Bread decapitates someone?
Panera Behead.
A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.
First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.
What do you call it when someone lies to Panera Bread?
Panera misled.