Someone's jokes

What makes 9/11 an inside job?

Someone started calling it 10/7.

Kid: Mum, how do you know someone is drunk?

Mum: See the four birds over there?

Kid: Huh, wait a minute.

Mum: A drunk person would see eight.

Kid: Mum, but there is only two.

What do you say when you hear someone tripping over at night?

Goddammit, Jamal!

Note to all moms of teens, keep a dog. That way, someone is excited to see you!

Someone on here said it previously:

My fondest childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather. That is until my mom took the urn away from me.

If you ever think no one cares about you,

kill someone, then the news will.

There's nothing quite like being told I'm wrong by someone who depends on me for food, clothing, and shelter.

When someone says you're adopted, say, "But you're still at the orphanage."

Guys, don’t let nobody hurt you with words.

Like someone once said, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

"Well, I'm your man," I replied. "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

The way you talk is so slow that they put you in the movie Fast and Furious and changed the title to Slow and Serious!!!😂😂😭

What do you call someone who fixes walls?

Juan, probably.

I'm at my happiest point in life. I'm dating someone that's autistic, and I was just saying I needed someone special in my life.

A note for my old English Teacher:

Mr. Colin, who loves making a din, He thinks everyone loves him, but little does he know, That's not what everyone shows, About his life he ploughs and ploughs, About his dog Bella and his relationship woes... Mr. Colin, we do not care, When you speak, our minds are not there, Your life you have unnecessarily shared, When we see you, our eyesight is impaired... Mr. Colin, rumbling about his exceptions, Just when someone puts something in the bin, Or chatters to someone, not even causing a din, But Mr. Colin, drinking too much gin, Will flail all his annoying attention on him, He'll push his limits, right to the rim...

And just how I love flan! Oh, he's finally gone!

Your hairline is like a lollipop because every time someone licks it, it gets shorter.

I saw someone who was about to jump off a bridge. They were wearing a Nike "JUST DO IT" shirt.

Ever heard of account stealing?

Ever heard of someone by the name of "#SHUT THE HELL UP GWEN DON'T EVEN DATE PRINCE ON FACE BOOK!!!!!!!! I HATE IT WHEN UR HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"?

You text someone to ask them why they snobbed you. Then they snob you again.

Someone stole my mood ring. I don't know how to feel about that.

My middle name is Brian. I was so proud of being able to spell my full name till someone pointed out "Johnny Brain Walker" was incorrect.

What’s the difference between someone’s wife and a plate?

They both have to stay in the kitchen.