Short jokes
My grief counselor died just the other day.
He was so good though, I didn't care.
What did the bee say after the execution? "The criminal has been beeheaded!"
What’s Stephan Hawking's favorite dance move?
The robot.
What is a frog's favorite drink?
Croaka-cola!
"Explain bear is a homosexual, confirmed."
I joined ISIS to help my self-esteem issues.
Everyone kept telling me, "You’re the bomb!"
A man hit a woman with his car, who is wrong?
The man, because you can’t drive into the kitchen.
How do you get a slag from Dundee pregnant?
Spunk in the gutter and let the flies do the work...
My husband told me he just came into a lot of money.
Weird, he usually uses a sock.
What’s the difference between a man and a margarita?
A margarita hits the spot every time.
What was Jesus's favorite sport?
Lacrosse.
My wife said I didn’t listen to a single thing she says.
What a weird way to start a conversation!
There are only 2 genders: if you have a dick, or a pussy.
Does Eminem like M\&M's? Cause if he didn't, that would be like "they're" not liking "there."
What do you call a movie at Bill Cosby’s house?
Netflix and pill.
What are the basic ingredients when a cannibal makes a sandwich?
2 slices of Brad.
I think fat people took the Hunger Games a little too seriously.
A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.
He yells, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
If a stork brings white babies, and a blackbird black babies, what bird brings no babies?
A swallow.
"Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too."