Short jokes
What's the hardest part to eat of a vegetable?
The wheelchair.
My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"
But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.
"You are under arrest for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia!"
"Wait! I can explain everything!"
Does Lightning McQueen get life insurance or car insurance?
What do gay people get for Christmas?
Discrimination.
Uranus, ur-anus, your anus. Anus is what's in between your two buttocks.
Why was the dog stealing shingles?
He wanted to be a woofer.
Why do dwarfs work at Tesco?
Because every little helps!
If I had a garden, I would put your tulips against my tulips... 🌷
One night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars. As I lay there, I thought to myself: WHERE'S THE ROOF?
How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?
A: None, it should be opened by the time she brings it.
If you had the strength of an ant, you could lift the pyramid of Giza.
(Ants can lift items 20x their weight.)
I hate when my brother dates other people.
Just kidding! 😵😵😵😵
What do you call a large lamp that does illicit things to young children?
A Jacko Lantern!
How do you tell if someone is depressed?
The brains on the wall.
Yo mama so fat she ate Saturn and mistook it for bubble gum.
Why do nuns not wear bras?
God supports everything.
So, my girlfriend left me. I took her wheelchair, and she came back crawling.
What's the difference between WW2 kamikaze planes and 9/11?
One of the missions succeeded.
I told a kid in a wheelchair, "Use your nitro boosts!"