Short jokes
Instead of Obama, it was supposed to be Osama. Pretending I got their names mixed up.
Don’t you hate it when your teacher(s) say, “just focus, it’s that easy?”
And then you die inside.
Why did Stephen Hawking die?
He lost WiFi connection.
Q: Why did Bill Cosby get away with it?
A: Because the women were all Cosby-ing for it!
What do you call an injured person who doesn't want to play a game with you? A sore loser.
I love telling good news to my patients, like they survived the crash but their family died.
Your hairline's so far up, they call it a skyline!
I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me? Stay out of those places!
What do you call a homosexual in a coma?
A fruit and a vegetable!
What do hockey players and cops have in common?
They both use sticks to hit something black.
My parents used to make me and my siblings apologize to the ground when we stomped.
If I had done "it," I would have gotten SO many apologies.
What’s the difference between weed and pussy?
If you can smell weed from across the room, it means the weed's good.
It cost me $100 to ride a taxi over your belly, it was that big!
Why can’t balls move? Because no one is there to voice them around.
When your brother sends you to go get a box of condoms for his b-day. (* *)
Why can't an orphan have sex?
Because they can't call them "daddy."
What do you call a drivable Hamburger?
What?
A Hamborgini.
What’s a foot on one end, a foot on the other end, and a foot in the middle?
A meter stick.
Pulp is a palindrome.
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My friend died. Me and my other bestie start singing the coffin song. My bestie in the coffin, why are you not sad? Why are you still alive?