Christopher Walkin: "This is a literal universal remote! It actually controls your life! You can pause, you can rewi-"
Me: power button.
Short Jokes
They told me throwing babies was bad, but guess what I did yesterday? I threw my baby cousin down the escalator.
I was a sit-down comedian, then I tried to stand up. I fell.
I wished I stayed in the wheelchair.
The trip from your eyebrow to your hairline costs $6000.
I asked the gym instructor,
"Can you teach me to do the splits?"
"How flexible are you?" he asked.
"Well, I can't make it on Fridays."
The S in America stands for safe.
Preventing suicide is best done by committing it.
Suicide isn't a joke. It's called "parkour gone wrong."
Why did the orphan try to get hurt?
Because then they would get surrounded with people who care about him.
He looks around, no one is there.
Jesus and Satan are just basically Homer and Flanders. One tries to help the other, only for Satan to just say, "Shut up!"
Mom: I'm getting you a dog!
Me: OMG REALLY?!
Mom: Yeah, what gender do you want?
Me:...
Me: Bitch, please.
Why does Sans say "I got a bone to pick with you?"
Because he needs to pick your balls.
Paul's favorite car.
A Carrera GT.
What do you call a rooster lollipop?
A cock sucker!
Apple made a new product for Chinese people called the iOpener.
My wife made electric eel for supper. I was shocked!
I just planted emo grass.
Ignore it and it cuts itself.
What is a prostitute's favorite form of traffic control?
Speed humps.
An orphan? We no jokes.
Jokeless orphan since they were always stacked on jokes.
Playing Russian roulette alone means you're bound to be a winner eventually.
