3 europeans come to America. They all get captured by native americans and they want to kill them. But the europeans beg to have their lives spared. The native americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: the europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The native american says "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass and he laughs, and the native americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The native american tells him the same thing. He laughs and the native american kills him. They both see eachother in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy so thats why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, “Oh yea I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!”
“You’re da bomb!” “No, you’re da bomb!”
In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.
The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"
Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”
So the Pope slapped him.
If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives? – America.
Two fish walked in to a wall one said to the other “dam”
Q: If George Washington was alive today, what would he do? A: Scratch mercilessly at the coffin walls, while screaming at the top of his lungs!
Donald Trump wants to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese. – He wants to make America grate again.
What was Osama Bin Laden’s favorite drink?
A Double Manhattan.
9 out of 10 Americans are stupid… I’m so glad I’m in the 1%.
yo mama’s so stupid she got locked in Matress World and slept on the floor.
Fortnite is like America… At one time it was good and free. Now it’s neither.
What does Matthew McConaughey say at the Republican convention…
We’re gonna take back what is ours, alt right, alt right, alt right, hee heeeee…
In Soviet Russia, gay sex gets you arrested.
In America, getting arrested gets you gay sex.
What’s the difference between America and a bottle of milk? – In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture.
A foreign man came to America not knowing a word of English and right away began looking for a job. He became a chorus teacher and learned to say, ¨Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi!¨ After that he joined the Army and learned to say, ¨Yes sir!¨ After that he worked at a restaurant and learned to say, ¨Forks and knives, forks and knives!¨ After that he worked at a candy store and picked up the words, ¨Goody-goody gumdrops!¨ A few weeks later, there was a murder in the area and he was the first person to be interrogated by the police. The interrogation went as follows: Policeman: Who killed the man? Foreign man: Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi! Policeman: Did you kill the man? Foreign man: Yes sir! Policeman: What did you use to kill him: Foreign man: Forks and knives, forks and knives! Policeman: You´re under arrest. Foreign man: Goody-goody gumdrops!
Necrophilia in Alabama is fun for the whole family even grandma.
School and Boot Camp are a lot alike, the only difference is that in school you don’t have to get deployed to get shot at
What is big, annoying, and full of blubber?
90% of America’s population
What did Tennessee?
Same thing Arkansas.
If Canadians speak “English Eh?”, do Americans speak “English B”?