Short jokes

My friend told me to "hang on" when I told him I wanted to kill myself.

Buddy, I’ll be hanging for sure, just you wait.

I now know what my first tattoo should be, zebra stripes! Not like anyone would know the difference between them.

When you’re playing dead and the school shooter starts unbuckling his belt and you hear him say, “This boy always had a fat ass.”

I met this girl at a bar and started doing her from behind. Everything was great until she turned and said, "My turn!"

What do a fisherman and a prostitute have in common?

They're both hookers.

Why do cemeteries have fences around them? People are dying to get in.

Note to self.

When baking for the holidays, don't Google "creampies".

Google "cream pie recipes".

I went on a walk with a super pretty girl, then she saw me and it turned into a run.

I saw my friend hang themselves. My response was, I guess they wanted to hang with someone.

Two men are hunting. One asks: "Did you ever hunt bear?" The other one answers: "No, but one time I went fishing in my shorts."

Why is North Korea so good at Geometry?

Because they have a supreme ruler.

Stephen Hawking is so lucky to go to heaven.

Oh never mind, here comes the stairway.

I am the Lorax. I speak for trees. I have the high ground, and I will cut off your knees.

What do you call a sheep on steroids? A woolly mammoth.

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

Because when she gets to 69 there's a frog in her throat.

Why did God make men?

Because you can't teach a vibrator how to mow the lawn...

What's the difference between England and a tea bag? -- The tea bag stays longer in a cup.

What did the maxi pad say to the fart? "You are the wind beneath my wings."

You're so poor, when you kicked a can, a man asked, "Are you moving?"

I'm in jail for 5 minutes and I already got fucked 15 times. You don't have any idea how much I hate playing Monopoly with my dad.