Short jokes
What caused Captain Hook's death?
He accidentally used the wrong hand to wipe his ass.
Two men walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would've seen it.
You know, most people take rocks for granite... sorry.
What starts off fun and ends in bankruptcy?
UNPROTECTED SEX.
What happens when Stephen Hawking dies?
The Windows shutdown sound plays.
Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tail.
"Son, I found a condom in your room."
"Gee, thanks, Grandpa!"
"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"
"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
What starts with e, ends with e, and only contains one letter? -- An envelope.
They have a new line of socks for paraplegics.
They are so comfortable they can't even feel them.
What does Frosty the snowman eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It didn't, I hit it with my car 3 blocks down.
What kind of chocolate does a lesbian hate?
Ones that contain nuts.
What's the difference between a priest and SpongeBob?
SpongeBob asks if you're ready first.
Imagine failing to commit suicide; you might as well go kill yourself.
What is the one thing cripples can't do? ... Stand-up comedy.
Most people are scared of clowns. That's why everyone runs away from you.
What game did Al-Qaeda play with the Twin Towers on September 11th, 2001? Jenga.
I liked my life when I first got it... Later they said no because I didn’t have the receipt.
Is it just me, or when you wipe your ass too deep, it reminds you of your uncle? Just me?
What does your first football game and your first time having sex have in common?
You were bloody and battered but at least your dad came.