Short jokes
So there I was, fucking my sister, and she shouts, "God, you fuck like Dad!" I then said, "Damn, that’s what Mom said."
Some kids at school made fun of me for playing Halo. I gave them a halo.
What do gay people and mice have in common?
They both hate pussy cats!
And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
What's the darkest point in the universe?
The inside of a KFC.
My ceiling isn't the best... But it's up there!
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? -- Because the octopus was well armed.
Why does Mexico never hold the Olympics? Because everyone that can run, jump, and swim is already out of the country.
My new girlfriend is a porn star. She would probably kill me if she found out.
I got kicked out of the school library for placing a women's rights book in the fiction section.
Did you hear the joke about Helen Keller? Neither did she. Did you see that one coming? Neither did she.
(She's blind and deaf)
What's the difference between you and Hitler?
Hitler knew when to kill himself.
The quiet kid starts playing "Pumped Up Kicks" in the parking lot before school.
Yesterday, a guy threw a liter of milk at me.
How dairy!
If you're ever bored, try scaring the sh*t out of an Asian to see their eyes open for the first time.
Don't mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
What is burned dark and glued to the wall?
A bad electrician.
What do you call a single bisexual?
All bi myself.
When a midget smokes weed, do they get high or medium?
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.